A husband who loves God More than ME....

 

Last night , my husband and I  lay in bed cradling, crying and just loving on our 13 year old Shitzu Ripley as she lay taking her last breaths. 13 years she gave us with love not based on any type of condition ,just true pure joy and love and I know she felt our love and hurt as she left us . This morning , we both woke up in tears again, me … Im cleaning away trying to keep busy as Im crying and while Im upstairs I hear my husband downstairs sawing and hammering away. Im thinking he too is trying to stay busy. I walk downstairs and I see that my husband had just built our little Ripley a little coffin, through tears Marks said “She has been faithful to us , I just cant go throw her in a hole” We both just cried.. he carried her gently out and made a beautiful garden memorial for her. As I came back upstairs and went to my porch where I sit and talk with Jesus,Im crying and talking with him and I thought about what my son Cody wrote to me last night “Mom, Im so sorry , your one of the strongest women I know and you battle through anything” I told Jesus, Im tired of the battles and at that moment  he  reminded me  this man Mark Haase whom he has placed in my life. Not only is Jesus wanting to take my burdens and my battles, but he reminded me of this man who is also here for me ALWAYS…

                                                                     

After two failed Jehovah Witness marriages, in 1998 after I was convicted and saved , I met my husband Mark, through my pastor. I was not looking to get married again. My pastor asked me what is it if I were to get married again what is it that I would want in a man, I thought about it and all I wanted was a man who loved God more than me . Simple! My thoughts were if he truly loved God and loved him more than me then he def could love me . God worked Mark and I like checker pieces. I lived in Tn and he and Maryland . We have been married 17 years now . Our walk with Christ has not always been at the forefront but we have had many years where we did walk that walk and we had much success. My husband is a person who means what he says and says what he means.  Since we have been married his stance of beliefs has not changed ,he isn’t confusing.

When he married me , he understood I was a former Jehovah Witness, he truly did not understand the full meaning nor grasp  what that would entail as a matter of fact I wasn’t even grasping what being a disassociated witness was now going to mean . My husband , took to learning and reading about JW’s , reading stories of others who were in the same boat as me being  shunned. The shunning literally was making me so sick that it was hard for me to walk side by side as a submissive wife with my husband. Therefore , my sickness was making my husbands walk with Christ weak .. The bible gives the headship role and some may disagree with me but my husband is the head of our household and when I am or was not walking with him as a submissive wife , it allowed the Devil to create havoc , Jesus reminded me of the Scripture in 1 Corinthians 11:1-34

Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ. Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you. But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, but every wife who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since it is the same as if her head were shaven. ...

                                                                                     

Mark is my head , when I say submissive , not meaning that Mark shouldn’t take my opinion and thoughts into consideration but when he says no its no . He also reminded me although we have had our moments when life was unraveling if we would stay evenly yoked it would have been much better. My husband can at times  be a little bold and head strong putting it mildly..lol. but he has always stood by me , he has always believed in me and he has always tried to protect me . He has loved me so much that at times I felt undeserving to be loved by him because I felt that it would only be a matter of time before he too like my parents would shun or place conditions on me . I think now Jesus , Im understanding the man you gave me , why is it that I have no problem accepting your yes answers in my life but at times when you have told me no or to wait I have problem with that , then I try to do things my own way and I make a muck our of everything. I feel I owe my husband and apology , I apologize for not walking with you at times , thank you for not walking away from me , thank you for loving me through all my hurt and pain with my parents and the religion in which I was brainwashed with .

Not long ago an elder of the JW’s stopped by our home to make a sheparding call on me, They do this from time to time in hopes of guilting me into coming back . As Mark sat there and talked to him , Mark asked him “ SO if my wife wanted to come back what kind of hoops would she have to jump to become a witness again” The elder proceeded to say how I would have to attend the meetings at the Kingdom Hall. Mark said “But that would mean no one could speak to her but they could speak to me until you as a bunch of elders deemed she was repentant “ The elder said “Yes, you have to understand we have to keep our congregation clean of Karen , since she is an apostate” My husband looked at him and said “ And as her husband , head of this family , I have to keep my wife clean and free form your congregation.. Good day “

                                                                             

My husband has always had my back , thank you Mark , I love you , I love your loyalty to our kids, you have helped raise 5 kids that are standing on their own two feet . I thank you for  your compassion and love for our animals and how you gently took care of Ripley this morning . I thank you for your love of our grandbabies and most of all I thank you for not giving up on me and for your walk with Christ here lately, you see by your walk of faith makes it so easy for me to walk in your foot prints, thank you for loving God more than me…. Your Bump 

MY NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE MY NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE

I have spent a lot of time praying and thinking about this particular blog before posting it.My goal is to be honest yet not overlook the facts. Please do not mistake my boldness as anger or bitterness. I write my words in love. According to the Watchtower organization I am considered an APOSTATE, therefore the name of my blog. Under normal circumstances if we were considering the actual definition of an apostate this would not offend me at all. However, the Watchtower organization demonizes Apostates to the point that the majority of witnesses are literally afraid of anyone labeled an apostate.

Have you read the stories of when a child grows up being called stupid, worthless, bad etc...? And after a while after hearing those names being called to you, that individual starts believing they are those things.  Since I left the JW organization 17 years ago I have struggled with that label, hearing the whispers in our small town from current Jehovah Witnesses  “oh don’t speak to her she is disassociated she is an Apostate . An Apostate by definition is someone who has turned away from God who does not believe in God. I never turned away from God. I’m thankful for my parents teaching me about God , I turned away from a man-made organization , not God , so therefore my name is Karen NOT Apostate.

Recently in one of the JW’s Watchtower they described Apostates such as the following. Keep in mind since I am labeled an Apostate this is what they think of me:

1. False teachers
   2) Ravenous wolves
   3) Corruptive
   4) Deceptive
   5) Mentally diseased
   6) Disloyal
   7) Twisted
   8) Malicious slanderers
   9) Meddlers

And as a fellow blogger noticed that the congregation of witnesses sitting in their Kingdom halls they are encouraged to use the words to describe us labeled Apostates as follows: Witnesses are encouraged to believe APOSTATES like me are the words - I added my own characteristics of my self in parenthesis ... and one again my NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE

1) Bitter- ( Im only bitter that I my parents cant have a relationship with me )
2) Cunning ( def not)
3) Dangerous( really , how dangerous can I be , Ive never had a traffic ticket)
4) Dark ( Im afraid of the dark )
5) Disgusting ( now a few meals I have made has been disgusting )
6) Distorted ( only by what has been inculcated in me )
7) Filthy ( oh def not me , I  vaccum 10 times a day )
8) Godless ( so not me , I love my God)
9) Haters of Jehovah ( mom and dad you taught me never to hate anyone )
10) Immoral ( I have made a few sins a long the way immorally, you got me there)
11) Miserable ( only when my mind keeps getting sick with wanting unconditional love )
12) Nasty ( Never)
13) Oppressors ( of what?)
14) Satanic ( I Think not )
15) Sick ( Yes , mentally sick )
16) Slanderers ( nope)
17) Unkind ( def not me my heart is as big as the universe)
18) Unloving ( def not me )
19) Venomous ( really, Ive never bit or killed anyone )
20) Wolves in sheep’s clothing ( nope , I like sheep rather than wolves

 

I can attest to this since my last conversation with my dad one week ago when he told me “I hated Jehovah, I hated Jehovah’s Witnesses and that it is I who is causing the problem” once again placing the blame and guilt on me since I choose not to come back to the Kingdom Hall.

 

As a former Jehovah’s Witness, I have shunned and been shunned. Shunning means those whom we used to call brothers and sisters we would now pass in Wal-Mart or Hobby Lobby or just out on the street without acknowledging then. When I practiced shunning as a Jehovah Witness growing up while in the company of another Witness the act of shunning would, in my own eyes, was a witnessed proof of my loyalty to Jehovah. I was on spiritual high. While alone I was less bold when a shunning opportunity would arise, but if I thought that there may be even a chance that another JW might be watching I would “play the part” all the way. If it was a private situation, however, I might feel somewhat uncomfortable and maybe even make eye contact and nod such in the case of my friend Kim and me when we were 14 as long as no one saw us, I would talk with her or sneak her letters but I had to be careful.

Although I have been disassociated for 17 years, this religion in which I was born in , didn’t ask to be born in to , has kept me in bondage  even with my parents because what child does not pine and long to have their parents love them without conditions . We are obligated to protect ourselves, even from parents. There is a limit on the extent to which we honor or obey them and I struggle with this now, how and what does it mean for me as their child whom they shun, how do I continue to honor them with a Christ like attitude without being hurt .To honor means to provide food, clothing, and shelter to them if asked, to avoid reprimands, be civil in conversation, and accommodate parents in requests made. To honor parents does not mean to make myself a target for their abuse of any kind. Emotional abuse hurts just as bad as physical abuse even though the scars are not on the outside.

Shunning is one of the Jehovah’s Witnesses ways of being just a plain ole bully. When JWs shun me, and I allow it, thereby showing respect for their rules, I only reinforce their bad behavior and give them permission to do it again next time. In effect, I am telling him (and myself) that I am deserving of that kind of treatment.  So what I’m learning is that I have the freedom to speak to whom I want , I’m not being punished, they are , I don’t have a group of men telling me I can’t speak to any Jehovah Witness, I believe in a God who continues to tell me to admonish you as a brother.

The JWs who practice shunning me kept inserting themselves in my life then taking shots at me as long as I let them. I have never been directly hurt by the group leaders, but always by my own acquaintances and relatives, and always because I made myself available to them. Allowing myself to be abused was a powerless situation and I needed some power. Setting my own boundaries to Jehovah's Witnesses   has been incredibly empowering but freedom for me. This past week, one day at a time, I have walked with Jesus, allowing him to carry my burden and I have not taken it back, guess what Jesus, you asked for it and you can keep it... lol... have I told you lately Jesus how much I love you

If my happiness is contingent on jumping through hops to have my parents respect me and love me unconditionally then I have put a pretty cheap price on my happiness. If I have to wait to have a good life until other people change then I'm no better off than the members of the Watchtower and I could just as well be back under the "official" control and influence of the group. Which bring me to my final point. Over the years I have often thought “Ok Karen just go back long enough to get reinstated into the congregation so you can speak freely to your parents or former JW friends”  What people don’t realize the game that you have to go through. I would have to attend months of Kingdom Hall Meetings, walking into the Kingdom Hall with no one allowed to speak to me , NO ONE, I would have to attend all meetings and even with inside the Kingdom Hall I would have to be shunned until the group of elders deemed I was worthy of repentance. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that man knew my heart I thought it was only God who know my heart and how are you  to determine if I’m repentant and worthy enough to be spoken too. It is humiliation at its best to be ignored while you see others in the congregation laughing talking and you sit there like a bump on a log. And if I did choose to go through the tumultuous months of humiliation even after they make a public announcement from the podium that Karen Haase has been reinstated , that is just the beginning of all the hoops you have to entail. But one Thing I do know is this MY NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE.

Friends: Mary Dale Blalock and Jill Marr Griffin-- a Friend Sticketh Closer than a Brother

Friendship:  What is it? Still at 45 , I ponder that question . Growing up as Jehovah’s Witness, this is all I knew the doctrines that were being inculcated. I have often said that I’m am thankful for my foundation my parents gave me but I think any normal parent child relationship should be one where parents know where your children are, whom are they associating with, not being their friends, teaching values that you don’t drink and smoke pot, as parents we should be raising our children ready to become adult and stand on their own two feet. I’m thankful that my parents always knew where I was at and I know they did this so I would not be a troubled girl, having sex out of wed lock, perhaps having an abortion, end up with an addiction and so forth.  Although, looking back and as an only child I often said it was a LONELY child. Jehovah’s Witnesses play the game of divide and conquer, the keep you isolated, even as a child when we enter school. While all the other kids are coloring in kindergarten and first grade. Coloring Christmas trees, or outlining your hand to make a turkey, JW children we were taken into a different room , where we could not partake in the school Holiday parties, pep rally’s joining a club , playing sports, saying the word bless you after someone sneezed. 

 

As JW children we are taught young and what we are taught is FEAR... FEAR of everyone and everything. Oh I can remember so often just wanting one time to be normal and just go to a pep rally. But the inculcate the scripture of 1 Corinthians 15:33 in your brain. It’s one of the first versus you learn. They only encourage friends amongst fellow witnesses and even within the congregation if you didn’t hold up to a certain standard to be a very devout witness, you could even be not a valid friend amongst your own.

When I was 14, was the first time I started having my doubts. I was in 8^th grade and there were 4 of JW kids that attended the same school together. My dear friend Kim, whom I can’t ever not remember knowing because we were both raised as JW had most of all our classes together. Well Kim got into a little trouble, nothing really major, like getting caught having a boyfriend who was not a JW and smoking a cigarette. I remember at this time 14, I thought and even felt that this should be a parental thing that it was up to Kim’s parents to punish her not the whole entire congregation but on one Wednesday night, one of the elders got up a publicly announced Kim’s full name and she was being disassociated. What this meant was from this point on no one was allowed to speak to her. SHE WAS 14... She could come to the Kingdom Hall but we as a group were to shame her and make her feel guilty and the only way she could repent would be continue coming to the Kingdom Hall and being shunned.  That didn’t set well with me. First of all, she was my best friend, we talked every day at school, how was I to go to school the next day and not speak to my bestie. It was the weirdest feeling the next day, Kim and I looked at each other but never said word to each other for days. Finally, I did a sin, I wrote and snuck her a letter telling her I loved her and we can sneak and write letters and we did, we had to be careful about speaking to one another because we had two other JW kids that were always watching us and if we had got caught we both would have been in more trouble. Now , those of you who are reading this , yes, it’s hard for you to wrap your head around this, now put yourself in my shoes , I wasn’t allowed to really associate with the kids at school and now my best friend I can’t speak with her. LONELY… it was then I realized something just did not make sense how God would find this ok...but of course I could never question this to my parents, I then would be shunned at 14 …

 

Fasting Forward... over time I will shed more light on the JW beliefs in detail... but for today’s blog it is about my friends... they are very little two count. Why... although I was able to break free from the religion, the religion over the years has still kept in bondage. I still fear, as JW’s we are taught to snitch on one another so I have always had a problem of trust , always feeling someone is out to get me , so therefore I took on the attitude I’ll get them first before they get me.. Terrible terrible thing to have to share...sad... but true. My heart wants friends but my guard is always up for fear of being hurt. I am now beginning to be more appreciative of the very few friends I have and two I want to acknowledge today are:

                                                             

 

 

 My TN BFF Mary Dale Blalock – Mary Dale and I met back in 2009. The Lord couldn’t have brought her in my life at a better time. Mary Dale is one of sweetest gentle lambs of God that I have had the privilege to call my friend. We may not have ever agreed on everything but then again who does... but Mary Dale has never once judged me. She has watched my journey through being shunned by my parents and fellow JW’s, she has watched me cry, wiped my tears and sometimes without even knowing what to say, it’s just her saying nothing and listening is helpful. Our love of yard sales, flea markets a good deal are also common interest and we always refer to us as Thelma and Louise. There may be weeks we don’t get a chance to see each other, but we always know we are there for one another in a heart beat.  Mary Dale’s walk with God , she just doesn’t talkie talkie , my friend does the walkie walkie with God, she sets the example for me and I need her to know that I truly love her , our friendship is like that of David and Jonathan and Im forever thankful she is in my life.

 

                                                     

My Maryland Bestie… Jill Griffin... Oh my, me and this girl, we go back 17 years. Raising all our boys together. Lord between 7 boys between us we have been through it all. We have been baseball moms, wrestling moms, working moms, we have watched our children grow up and now having babies on their own. When Jill and I became friends she also began to learn about this journey of mine of being a former JW, Jill witnessed back in 2008 how sick the shunning of my parents made me, so sick that I became anorexic and spent 2 months at Johns Hopkins. Jill helped my husband take care of my boys while trying to get better and although Jill could not understand quite everything mentally, she was always trying to help me try some way to move forward... never did she get mad at me and just say GET over it... I’m sure she may have wanted too...lol but she didn’t. My friend Jill is an amazing crafter, it was through her she found a therapeutic way to help me, she taught me to cross stitch and to this day , it is only through Jill I mastered the gift of cross stitching.. We had a little hiccup in our friendship back in 2008 and for years we did not talk, a few years ago we found each other again on FB and I’ll never forget Jill’s humbleness of apologizing and you know what we have never brought it up again, our friendship is stronger now .

 

So although , I still struggle with the idea of friends I value those in my life and there are a few more I will soon write about as well but for today it is Mary Dale and Jill

 

Proverbs 18:24New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁴ A man who has friends must himself be friendly
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

One Day at a Time- Thank you Dr. Harris

As I sat this morning looking at the beautiful sunrise and had a talk with Jesus , probably the most heartfelt talk Ive had with him in awhile , I did something I hadn't done in a while. After I poured out my heart in tears, I sat and listened , I listened to that still small voice and he reminded me of when I had written my original post about my hurt with my parents and the shunning that Jehovah Winesses encourage, he reminded me of one sentence that Dr. Bill Harris told me "One Day at a Time Karen, just one day at a time with your walk with Jesus" hmmmm, something so simple that I have allowed the Devil to make so hard for me . I have much deep appreciation for Dr. Harris, Dr. Harris you and your wife will never know the deep impact that you gave me during my conviction and salvation. While working in Labor and Delivery , Dr. Harris witnessed my conviction , I had  my King James bible under my bed at my parents home back in 1998 , I was divorced living with my parents with my three children. Can you imagine having to hide something so simple as a Bible ? It wasn't like it was a pornographic magazine , it was a Bible. My father found my bible and he threw it away. When I told the story to my fellow colleagues while Dr. Harris was making rounds one day , he had over heard me saying I no longer had a Bible ( Jehovah Witnesses do not use the King James  , they use the New World Translation) I was heart broken I no longer had a King James Bible to take to church and being a single mother I really did not have the money to go buy one. The next day , Dr. Harris brought me a gift to celebrate my being born again , he handed me this beautiful gift from he and his wife , when I opened it , it was the most beautiful Scofield King James Bible, I treasure it to this day . What I listened to Jesus tell me this morning is two things #1) You and your husband Mark built your  grandson a beautiful book nook for him to appreciate the art of books an reading , Jesus told me "Karen that book nook isn't only for Raleigh  but for you as well to read my words everyday , teach Raleigh about my precious book as well... ok Jesus , wow, thank you and you know what I can do that  and #2) He said "Karen today walk with me , give me your burden and let me carry it for you , don't you know that I can carry your burden , have faith in me , Im strong , your weak right now , let me lighten your load " words so simple but at times hard to understand , why is it that not only me we say we give our burdens to Jesus but then we turn right back around and take them back/ Today I will not take that burden , today Jesus I will give you my burden so I can be happy and light .You said  “You will live by your sword, and you will serve your brother. But when you decide to break free, you will shake his yoke from your neck.”Genesis 27:39-41

Today , I am breaking free from the yoke around my neck you also promise in Matthew 11:28-29   “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Today, I want my burden light I want rest for my weary soul. I want to be happy today for my husband, my children , my grandchildren . I want to enjoy my evening with my grandson Raleigh tonight putting up my Christmas tree and I promise you today Jesus I will read to Raleigh your precious words . Thank you for  letting me hear you through your child Dr. Bill Harris , one day at a time Karen , one day at a time with your walk with Jesus

About My Blog :

For those people who know me , know that I have always been a writer. While in my youth , I would write poetry , win essay contest , speech competitions. Writing was a way for me to escape a lot of isolation . It kept me in a sane place in an insane world that I lived in . For my blog, it will entail many things . Most will come from my own experiences growing up as a Jehovah Witness, giving an accurate description of the strict rules , the isolation, the brain washing and the conditions that we are and had to abide by . At times, I will give a detail as to how difficult it is to break free , Im one of the lucky ones and still am trying to mentally break free. I will at times, tell you stories of the broken families this religion cost us and our friends  the only people we ever knew and as we progress and are able to break free how that this religion can also wear on our immediate families as well.  I will at times, focus on the good things in my life my family ,, my husband, my five kids and two grandbabies for now...lol..  My colleagues and a few dear friends of mine that I surely don't know what I would do with out them. I will even share with you my love of a good yard sale find , or something vintage or something that I craft . I just hope that my words will and can be of help to just one person. For years , I felt so alone and now with blogging , I feel I have had a door open up for me. So for the individual that told me that my FB post made me look pathetic and that I should blog, I thank you for that advice. After you told me that , I felt I was worthless again, you made me doubt if I had any good in myself , any self worth , so I thank you for those wise words. I learned that Im not pathetic, Im real , I am me, Im not a hypocrite, when I love I love with everything in me and you know what I even love you and I miss you and when you are ready to establish that relationship again, just know I am here. You told me that I had not experienced the amount of death that you have and you are correct but that did not keep me from empathizing  with you , I made a mistake , one that I owned and you said you had forgiven me , but evidently you did not . Although I have not experienced the amount of physical deaths you have , doesn't mean that I don't understand what it is like to hurt and grieve , because you have not experienced my pain of a living death of parents. We both are hurt and I feel we both can heal from our hurt and just know I love you .

I hope you get to play today little boy ....

• My Simple Pleasure today is freedom, my simple Pleasure is this girl right here for today . Laura Wasserman Due to my last post I had some one defriend me , and its ok , hey my parents defriend me so nothing surprises me but today Im free finally. But for those who have been asking more about what we as JW's go through and about triggers, Im sharing a beautiful post that Laura had written on Halloween. I realize Im not the only one and its nice when you have someone who can understand the triggers. Laura is also shunned by her family but like me she has a wonderful husband who has walked the journey with her and kids like mine that are just awesome. Dustin Tharp please read this I think this will give you another perspective from another former witness........

• Laura Wasserman

  October 31 at 11:02am · Reisterstown, MD ·
  

  
  

  To the little Jehovah's Witness boy who is crying outside on the sidewalk in front of my house...I'm sorry your parents are making you go door to door preaching... with them this morning. You look like you are no more than 5 years old, and even though they dressed you warmly for this 50 degree temperature, I know it feels extra cold when you're standing at people's doors for hours instead of running around playing outside. Today is Halloween, but you are not allowed to celebrate that, just as you are prohibited from enjoying Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, and even your own birthday. You are not allowed to salute the flag, you will never be allowed to vote or join the military, and if you are dying and only a blood transfusion will save you, your parents will have to let you die without it.
  

  Whatever you do, little guy, try to stand up for yourself when they push you into baptism at a young age. Tell them you don't feel ready at age 12 or even 16. Tell them it's an adult decision to make, something that could change your entire life. Once you are trapped into childhood baptism, if you decide later to make another choice, you will be disowned by your family and shunned by the entire organization. Stand strong. But if you do cave under their enormous pressure and agree to baptism, know that if you realize later that it was an irreversible mistake, you are not alone. There are many who are in the same boat.

  I hope that you get to play today, little boy. I'll be thinking of you.

My Stance, My Post, My Blog .My Jesus

Earlier in the week I was told that my writings make me look pathetic on FB and perhaps I might need to write a blog. First Let me explain, anything I write I do not wish for sympathy , we all have our own skeletons or just stuff we are going through so I never meant to make myself look pathetic . I write my words for my healing and am trying to make them open so perhaps if I can help just one other person who has walked in my shoes to know they are not alone then my purpose has been served. All I ask is for empathy, quite different from sympathy. However, I tried to follow the advice and start a blog, wow, very overwhelming and wow very expensive ,so if there are any individuals who are bloggers that could help me start a blog I would be so grateful, I do feel that would be very therapeutic for me . Today , I am taking a stance, a stance that will cost me the ultimate cost of all but its one that I must face and make public so that perhaps my confusion, hurt will end. I was born and raised a devout Jehovah Witness, the only child of parents . I have always been thankful and appreciative of my foundations but isn’t that what any normal parents should be teaching their children morals and values. As a child I always had doubts but you are never allowed to question anything . You are pushed into baptism at an early age and what I have found that day of my baptism cost me a price that I never knew that would affect me for eternity. I wasn’t even old enough to drive, buy a pack of cigarettes, sign papers for school but I was expected to make a decision that would cost me the only thing I ever knew…my family and so called friends. In 1998 , I underwent conviction a spiritual conviction I had never known. A dear friend I worked with at Lakeway in Labor and delivery Janice Messer was used to bring me the gospel of salvation. She kept inviting me to go to church but I was raised in a Kingdom Hall , I was taught we do not enter churches ( you cant even go to a yard sale at a church ) so as much as I was feeling that push to go to church I was scared. Finally in May 1998 , I went , Janice stood outside that church with me as I stood their crying , scared to walk in fear that I would lose Jehovahs favor , Janice stood outside with me held my hand and let me make the move, when I walked in the door I felt the most peace I had ever felt . Being in a church was never as I was taught . People did use their Bibles and what did I find out , they even knew Gods name was Jehovah. After about a week more of conviction Janice sat me down and said this “Karen lets pretend that there is no hell as you as a JW believe, if you die today then my friend you have nothing to worry about do you ? I said No .. then she said but lets just pretend that there is a hell and my friend the bible does teach there is one. If you die today without making it known that you have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ and acknowledge him as your Savior well then my friend you have everything to worry about …WOW… talk about God speaking .. I worried and worried and finally a few nights later I surrendered I gave my life to Him , Jesus . I carry the 1611 King James Scofield bible tha Dr. Bill Harris gave me to this day , Dr. Harris I am forever grateful for you and your wife. I haven’t always been the example he has expected of me but I try . One thing I am not is a hypocrite , I will not go to church and then live like a heathen through the week … so after I made that stand , I wrote a letter to the Congregation of Jehovahs Witnesses expressing I no longer wanted to be acknowledged as a witness… another decision that cost me .. see it would have been better if I had just slipped away , just stopped going to the Kingdom Hall but since I took that bold stance that meant they announced publicly at their nightly meeting that no one could have association with me . They had to shun me .If they see me on the street turn away , don’t even smile, nod, say hello .This even meant for my parents. Through the years , my relationship with my parents has been on and off , Just when I think they are accepting me for my decision then whammo , I knocked down again. So fast forward ( this is why I need to blog lol) My parents had their 50th wedding anniversary last week. 50 years , not to many people make it 50 years anymore, due to death , divorce and the silly vows they write to each other is hideous how they promise to drink together etc.. vows aren’t even sacred anymore. You have to remember I have no memories of celebrating anything with my parents as JW’s we do not celebrate birthdays,Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Halloween nothing…. So I wanted to make my parents a very special 50th anniversary party , not only for them but for me . I had never celebrated anything with my parents so I was trying to put 45 years of parties into one day . I had worked on this party for 3 months, my husband including , Mark Haase is such a trooper , I had him building and painting things, searching for old pictures ordering a special cake and Lord all the money that went into this but I wanted it special. I was so excited. The night before my party , my parents Jehovah Witness friends also had them a 50th party, one in which I was not invited because I am an “Apostate” I am not worthy to be in their home because I have walked away from being a witness. I was truly ok not being invited , see the witnesses shun you hoping that it will make you feel guilty miss your family and friends. For me the shunning hasn’t made me miss anything but two people my parents. So the next day Saturday , I was so excited today was the big day , the day that I had worked so hard to prepare for , I couldn’t wait for my parents to get here and walk them in the room . They walked in the door and I led my parents to the party room , me grinning from ear to ear . The first thing out of my mothers mouth was “Oh , Karen you should have seen the party that our witness friends had for us , it was just beautiful and oh all the cards and gifts “ My dad then says “You need to come back so you can talk to them “ my grin turned upside down and so I walked them over to their cake , this beautiful cake that Lori Smith had done for me . I said isn’t it beautiful my mom “Yeah , oh but Anna made us two cakes “ I walked away went into the kitchen and just cried, pulled myself together because I had many of my family and friends here that I needed to be a gracious hostess. I went to make a speech and I got teary eyed and rather than my parents just saying take your time or hugging me , my mom started clapping to get me to shut up .. wow .. another big smack in the face , I was so humiliated in front of my guests. My parents are so happy in the pictures at their JW party drinking wine , but I guess since I didn’t produce any alcohol my party was a drag.The only time my dad was happy was when my cousin Ellen Hale Pace made a surprise appearance. Ellen, you have never done anything to me , but I am having a hard time just liking you because Im jealous , Im jealous of the attention my father gives you , that he cant give me and its not fair to you that I feel that way , you have done nothing wrong, my parents couldn’t wait to leave the party so they could have you come back to their house. My parents were offended my my friends singing Amazing Grace.. Well mom and dad if that offended you , I would suggest that you never walk into a Kingdom Hall again, because its full of sinners in there, cheaters, adulterers, fornicators, drunkard, thieves but you found my party to be of the devil … SO it took me days to try to work through what had just happened. The memorable party I worked so hard for , oh it was memorable.. but yesterday , I got a call from my mom , she said “I guess I do owe you an apology , you are precious and I thank you “ but you see , my mother openly on FB thanked her JW friends for their party telling them she loved them , not once did she openly say Im precious and she was thankful for my party .So when we got home, Mark heard my phone ring it was my dad.. I was so excited thinking yay.. my dad is going to say he is sorry for hurting my feelings. Instead this was the conversation “ Karen, you hate Jehovah, you hate the witnesses” I said dad I don’t hate anyone , I hate a religion that is causing disention amongst family . He said No Karen you hate Jehovah God and I am going to stand what I know and Im through with you , I hope one day you come to your senses, I said dad I love you and I pray one day you come to yours. As I lay the phone down , I cried a blubbering cry I hadn’t cried since I was a child , my husband held me and just let snot all over him and then my son Cody came in with his g/f Erica and both hugged me . Not only has my dad hurt me but he has hurt my children. He told his grandson Cody he didn’t care if Devon and Dylan ever come back around again he only cared about him and they are teaching my grandson Raleigh to say Jehovah. Really Dad.. how could you be so mean , its bad enough the boys biological father walked away from them ( better off they gained Mark ) but now as a grandfather you make that statement. So once again I write this for me today . I am making a stand today . I am free to choose to speak to whom I want. I don’t have an organization of men telling me not to speak to you , I choose not to at this point for my sanity , for my husbands sanity for my children , my grandchildren. I choose today to stand for Jehovah but what a sweeter name I know him by as my Lord Jesus Christ , I choose today , to let him stand for me because I cant stand on my own today , I ask for prayers because Lord knows I cant even pray for myself . I pray that Sweet Jesus have mercy on my soul. And for those who find this lengthy and long , yes it is , I will find a different way to blog but for today .. this is what I have to do .