Im no longer Spilt Milk.....

  I don’t know what it’s like to be someone’s adult child. With Mother’s day right around the corner, this year has been extremely emotional for me . Being estranged from my living parents, me being their only child—just draws up some emotional feelings. My mother is a long term loyal Jehovah Witness and I am  her disfellowshipped daughter .Sometimes , although , I am so happy for many of my other friends that they post pictures of mother/daughter days getting their nails done, going shopping , going to lunch , I admit , my heart is envious .

It doesn’t impress my parents that I live a pretty decent life. I’ve never been arrested, don’t do illicit drugs, I have a graduate degree, I’ve been married for 18 years, work, have raised 5 children but  Still……, I am a disappointment. They have one reason for rejecting me: I do not share their religious beliefs. They are Jehovah’s Witnesses (JW) and as their daughter , since I chose not to remain a Jehovah Witness- I am in their words an apostate, which means they can nor will not have any association with me . Jehovahs Witnesses are a cult and when you reject the cult, you are ostracized you are shunned.

I was baptized by Jehovah's Witnesses as a minor, without fully understanding the ramifications this would have on the rest of my life. I gave in to the peer pressure of the congregation in which I was raised, I did not know at that time what it meant to accept Jesus as my Saviour and have a personal relationship with him, nor did I comprehend the Grace of God and the action of the Holy Spirit. I understood the words of their teachings but not their full meaning and far-reaching implications, especially since, as a JW, I was discouraged from questioning those teachings or making any in-depth exploration of the Bible except in conjunction with your publications.

My mother buys every bit of what the Jehovahs Witnesses sell--lock, stock, and barrel--and since I could never go back to being one, especially knowing all I do about them now, it seemed our relationship together had come to an end I have one mother on this earth, and she has one child, but you the Jehovah Witnesses  will not allow her to have an ordinary mother-daughter relationship with me. The only way she can do that now is if she is willing to suffer the same fate as me--disfellowshipping--which would result in her too being shunned by all her Jehovah's Witness family members and friends .Jehovah Witnesses you have led her to believe that to disobey you is to disobey Jehovah , and, therefore, to continue our relationship would mean that she was choosing me over Jehovah. This places her in a very difficult position, and has greatly strained our relationship, causing much psychological stress and sorrow. To my dad --Because I do not agree with all your religious teachings, having found many of them to be unchristian, and even anti-christian, mom worries that I will be sentenced to eternal damnation. To live with the horror of this, she must harden her heart toward me and put even greater faith in you as Jehovah’s chosen representatives.

                                                      

Do you truly understand the position of responsibility before God and man that you have thus taken upon yourselves? You claim to govern God's only spirit-directed organization on earth today, and that no one can come to God and receive salvation except through you as Jesus' agents. Although I do not recognize you as such, acknowledging Jesus as my only mediator, my mother does accept you in this capacity.

One of the first suggestions that people tend to make upon hearing that my relationship with my parents would be improved if I simply returned to being a JW is to fake it. First, I don’t want to live a lie. Second, that’s not how this particular cult works. To be in “good standing” within the congregation you must attend their church services weekly and go knocking on doors in the local community . They ( the elders )literally track your activities. Every month you report how many hours you spend going door-to-door. You can attempt to make a false report, but they monitor their followers closely. So, I couldn’t simply say I am a JW, I would have to invest a lot of time in this lie. I would be disgusted with myself and I refuse to do it.

I have grieved for them for years and it has been excruciating. I wonder how and if my grief differs from people who have lost their parents in death. It’s been emotionally devastating at times.. but they are still alive.. so that fact makes everything confusing. I have pleaded with my mother to just love me. Her response is that she does, but she loves Jehovah more.

                                                          

Mother’s day in the past was a time of great anxiety for me. It was difficult to decide ‘how’ to celebrate my mother; since as  Jehovah Witness they do not acknowledge nor celebrate any holidays including Mothers Day  but since I was an ex JW , I always wanted to make sure my mother knew that I loved her and acknowledged that she was my mom but their was fear and anxiety even when I got her a card or a plant because her face told a different story , she seemed happy that I thought of her but at the same time she knew she shouldn’t have accepted the gift being from her non JW daughter her face would often look as if were a glass of spilt soured milk.

Mother’s day in the past was about celebrating someone who hurt me. It doesn’t make much sense to me today when I put it that way but back then I never thought about it that way. I was in the deep fog of conditional love, brainwashed to believe that mother is  right and that parent entitlement rules over all else, no matter what…

I celebrated my mother on Mother’s day, yet my mother was someone who communicated to me that she was more important than I was, that only her feelings mattered, that I was somehow unworthy of the things that she was worthy of such as respect, equal value, honor, love, validation, comfort, my own personality, thoughts, opinions and choices.

                                                           

In the past, in fact for the better part of 40 years, on Mother’s day I celebrated someone that taught me there were two sets of rules in life; one set that applied to her and a different set that applied to me. God help me if I got mixed up about those rules. I learned to prove my love and to prove my worth by trying to guess what she wanted and then trying to do it. Those guidelines did not apply to the way she loved me. She did not show me love in the way that I was required to show her love. She didn’t respect me in the way that she demanded that I ‘respect’ her.

There were consequences if I questioned my mother. I learned to try and avoid those consequences when I was very young. The worst consequence that I feared was of being rejected by her. I was afraid that if I didn’t prove my love in the way that she wanted, that she would withdraw her love from me and the way you prove it is by staying faithful to Jehovah and the organization . That seems a strange fear to me now; all of the ways that my mother regarded me and disregarded me were a rejection all along. All of the ways that she taught me to love her were withheld from me. The entire relationship between my mother and I was up to me to maintain; if it failed or if it succeeded (on any given day) it was up to me. Society agreed with this dysfunctional definition of mother daughter relationship. I was told all my life with statements such as “you only have one mother” ~  “I am your mother” ~  “I am THE mother” ~ “You will be sorry” and I believed every one of those statements although today I am not sure I knew what she meant by them back then. They communicated my disrespect, they put me back in “my place” (which was UNDER her) and they enhanced the ever growing fear of rejection.

                                                        

When I was in my forties I got so sick emotionally that I had to face the truth. The truth was that rejection, my biggest fear, had already happened. My days were spent trying to figure out what was wrong with me so that I could finally be loveable in my mother’s eyes. I never considered that the problem belonged to my mother. And today I understand how I never could have considered that; all my life my mother considered me to be the problem , telling me I was rebellious . I had no choice but to believe it and to try to fix me. Today I see it all differently.

                                                         

 

I am feeling a little more grief then in past years. My mother walked away from relationship with me when I asked her for mutual respect. When I finally drew my boundaries and make it clear to my mother that I was no longer going to accept her devaluing treatment of me, she walked away. She never called again. My mother abandoned our relationship. I will never understand how a mother could make a choice like that but my mother did.

I know that I’m not the only person who has a dysfunctional or non-existent parent-child relationship, but my parents were good parents when I was growing up. When I’m sad I still long for my mother’s hug.

When I realized that she wasn’t going to contact me again, it cut me to the core.  I was rejected all over again.  By walking away from me she was saying “you are not worth it Karen. I can’t be bothered working on having a relationship with you”

And that hurts very deeply. That is a horrible thing to realize and accept.

Not being worth it, had always been my deepest fear; I felt as though she proved I was unworthy of her love by not trying to work on our relationship.  But in reality, her actions do not make a statement about me; they make a statement about her. 

I questioned myself a million times about whether or not I had made a mistake drawing that boundary. But the alternative was just too devaluing. It was at the root of all my depressions and low self-esteem. I wasn’t going to sacrifice myself to her anymore.

The truth is that what my mother actually proved is that she either does not actually love me, or that she is incapable of healthy loving and mutually respectful relationship. (I suspect that both are true.)

I stopped using my suspicion that she was incapable of loving me or herself as the excuse to let her hurt me. There are all these “teachings” out there that when we are an example of “love” we teach love. And the truth is that I was not “being an example of love” by letting her walk all over me.  In truth I was sending her the message that she WAS more important than me and that I would accept her nasty behavior no matter what because she was the more deserving one in our relationship. Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog.

Eventually I began to accept that this was the way it really was.  I had to reaffirm my decision that I didn’t want to live by her rules anymore. I spent months reminding myself what the alternative would be if I lifted my boundary, and reaffirming that I didn’t want to lift it because the alternative was too devaluing to me.

Although I longed for a loving relationship with my mother , I had no frame of reference for what I actually longed for.

Standing up for myself was empowering. It was like saying “HEY, I deserve better than what you offer” and my actions proved that I believed it.  I made giant strides in the following months towards self-esteem recovery and personal growth.

There is no good answer for the question of why my mother doesn’t love me. She just doesn’t. The truth hurts but it has also set me free. I don’t wait around anymore for approval and love from places where I will not get it. Her actions state that she will love me only if I do things the way she wants.  She will love me if I do our mother daughter relationship the way she wants.

Unconditional love towards my mother on my part no longer looks like me accepting her devaluing and abusive actions and regard towards me. Unconditionally loving my mother is only possible when I respect and love myself in the true definition of love. Relationship with my mother is not possible when the price that I pay includes sacrificing my human rights, individuality and self-esteem.

Today I am free of that false system and false definition of love! I love in truth and equality. I see myself as equally valuable to all others. My self esteem is strong and healing more all the time!

For years I missed the idea of having a loving mother. I don’t miss that idea anymore. I don’t miss what I never had either. Standing up to the dysfunctional and toxic mother daughter relationship stuff went a long way towards my process of emerging from broken.

Rather than looking at  myself as a daughter on “Mother’s day”, I have thought of myself as a mother instead. When I used to think of myself as a daughter the purpose of mother’s day was to celebrate someone who constantly reminded me that I was not the daughter that she wanted. I celebrated someone who treated me like I was lacking in some ways. I celebrated someone who seemed to be exasperated with me and communicated to me that I was somewhat of a pain in her butt. I celebrated my mother even though she blamed me for more things than I care to list in this post and I celebrated a mother who caused me untold grief. (Well actually, it was untold until 6 or 7 months ago .... Now I have told…)

This year, along with a little more sadness I feel a little bit more sorry for my mother as well. I feel sorry for her that she didn’t find freedom from her own pain the way that I did. I feel sorry for her that she didn’t find the glorious fullness of knowing what love really is. I feel sorry for her that she lost me because I am pretty awesome, but I didn’t know that until I stood up to her definition of me.

I feel sorry for her but not at my expense anymore….Im no longer spilt milk that has been soured .

Will the real Mother please stand up .. A Mother in Laws Heart

                                                                      

 

 My blog today is to tell you how I’ve been SO blessed by my husband’s family.  You all know by now, what MY family, my parents are  like if you have followed by blogs...   I don’t know what it’s like to have a close child relationship with parents or what it’s like to truly be loved by parents.  I know what it’s like to be “judged” and “used” by my parents. Today, for some reason, my mother in law Marie Haase has been on my mind , well just not today but for a few days now, not because its her birthday anniversary or Mothers Day or the anniversary of her death, perhaps its because , of everything I have been through with my own biological mom who has thrown me under a bus, ran over me , has allowed a man and religion dictate what her relationship with her own daughter should be , rather than just loving me for who I am her daughter…  When I married Mark , almost 18 years ago , after Marie realized I was not going to take her son Mark back to Tn while she was alive , we became close so it was a shock when I was shown unconditional love by a family ( Marie my mother in law, Mark my husband and my sweet sister in law Lynn) who didn’t have to show me love.

As I was going through the kids baby pics today , I ran upon a birthday card that Marie gave me and what she wrote was this .



“Any woman can be a daughter-in-law but it takes a certain spirit in a person to make the “in-law part to fall away ,leaving that comfortable word DAUGHTER, Karen you are a loving wife, giving and loving mother and your presence in the life of our family Mark Lynn and I has been simply a gift”

I hadnt read  that card in a long time , quite honestly I had forgotten all about it until I came across it today , that was on my 30^th birthday  she wrote that , Im 46 now and looking back  I didn’t  even know how to accept love or compliments especially from a ‘mom”  I guess it hit me so hard because my own mother doesn’t feel the same way AND I know that Marie  really felt  this way.

                                                                        

When some people think of mother-in-laws a lot of thoughts come to mind which are usually not flattering. I cant help but be reminded of a mother in law in the bible who was also so loved by her daughter in laws: Naomi’s love and character was manifest to those around her throughout her life. Her love for God touched the hearts of Ruth and Orpah through her actions and sentiments while living as a Jew in Moab. Her love for her two daughters-in-law was so strong that she urged them to stay behind in Moab where they were more likely to find husbands. She continually provided motherly advice and guidance to Ruth. The strong character of Naomi led to her continued blessing from God and the opportunity for her to be a “mother” to one in our Lord’s lineage

Marie was always doing things for others even when she was sick or didn’t have a lot of money and often they were simple things. She adored small children and animals, and she loved people when they were at their worst as well as their best. She loved unconditionally - in every sense of the word. And she (thankfully) passed that ability to love so well down to her son Mark and her daughter Lynn and  I know this  because I am the fortunate recipient of that love from both my husband and sister in law.

 

From the moment I met Marie , she had 4 biological grandchildren Jessica, Josh , Brittany and Ben. Marie never once , introduced my boys Devon, Dakotah and Dylan as step grandchildren, she would always proudly boast I have 7 Grandchildren ,I knew when I married Mark she would treat them well and respect them, but I wasn’t prepared for her to actually love them- but she did. ( Picture below of all her grandbabies ,all 7 of them )

 

You could count on Marie to promptly send out birthday cards or anniversary cards. Her thank you cards were well thought out and at times very lengthy . Every gift fit that persons needs. She was attuned to anything new in your life , a new hair style, home decoration etc.. I have only ever been shown true unconditional love  by my mother in law Marie, She felt my losses as if they were her own  and she shared her thought sand feelings with me .



During the last few years of her life, was when her daughter, my sister in law Lynn became really close. We pulled together to take care of Marie and I think back as she lay in her bed at the house how she would smile seeing Lynn and I pick and make over her. Now, those of you who know Mark and Lynn , they are both quick witted and very comical, I never knew their dad Ben , but what I do know , is that Mark and Lynn got that quick wit from Marie. One evening about six months prior to Maries death , she was laying in her bed and Lynn and I were in the kitchen and we could see here asleep from the kitchen. However at this particular moment , from the kitchen , Marie was lying on her back and she did not appear to be breathing. Lynn looked at me , I looked at her, Lynn was gauging me saying “you go check and see if she is breathing “ I said “No  you go check “ we went back and forth with this for at least 5 minutes and all of a sudden we hear in a loud voice “Girls Im not dead yet “ and we all laughed..

 

I didn’t realize  how much it would mean to me to be with her when she took her last breath . It was a rainy night and Mark Lynn and I were all by her side as she would have wanted it to be .

Marie , I wish you could have remained here on Earth just a little while longer so your grandchildren and great grandchildren could know and truly appreciate the woman I knew .I will do my best to make sure Lexi and Grant and Raleigh and Emy  will know about your legacy of unconditional love.

I love you Marie , I miss you every day , I miss Bob Evans, Golden Corral , shopping for new panties and bras that you didn’t even wear but it was fun. I miss being with Lynn and you and hearing you argue and sometimes, when I really miss you Marie all I have to do is get Mark or Lynn start fussing and then I hear Marie come out of both their mouths as long as Mark and Lynn are living , I will always be able to get a glimpse of you .


                                                                    
                                                        



Marie, I will do  my best to continue to be a good wife to your son , a good sister to your daughter, a good mom to my children and  good Aunt to your grandchildren . I will always remember that unconditional love is possible even for mere mortals and I will spend my life trying to love everyone unconditionally, just the way you loved me , thank you for that , the light and truth of your love will never go out .. so today , I drop the “in law ‘and say I love you sweet mother.


                                                                     

An Empty Life or an Empty Tomb..which one I am thankful for

                                                                      

After  a long and frustrating day at work yesterday Saturday , when I got off at 6pm all I wanted to do was to just sit on my carport in the quiet. As much as I adore and love my son Devon , his wife Jessi and of course the light of my life ( besides Mark  lol) is Raleigh , they all came to the house at 6 pm just as I was getting done with work . It was a headache day at work and though I thought I just wanted to sit and enjoy some quiet time , Im so happy that Devon, Jessi and Raleigh came over.

While I was working yesterday , Devon and Jessi had taken Raleigh to an Easter Egg hunt at a friends church and later in the evening they attended an Easter Egg Hunt at our church Mercy Baptist with Pop. Since I was not able to attend , Devon and Jessi brought Raleigh by so I could see how much joy he had in hunting them little eggs


                                                                  

Jessi hid about 10 eggs in and around my flower garden and then Raleigh went to find them. When he would find one he would get the biggest smile on his face and say “YES”  and then tell MiMi what color the egg was . This made my rough day at work turn into the best day ever , seeing my little grandson  enjoy the beginning of an Easter weekend. Not only did it make me smile and happy seeing Raleigh enjoy the hunt but also seeing my son Devon enjoy the hunt smiling and laughing , I think Devon was just as excited about finding the eggs as Raleigh was because Jessi had to keep telling him “Devon let Raleigh find the eggs”.. right before Devon Jessi and Raleigh came over, my youngest son Dylan came over to sit a while.......
    
                                                            

 and after Devon Jessi and Raleigh left , I thought I was going to get some quite time and then came my middle son Cody and his g/f Erica . When I went to bed , I was thankful for my day.

                              

                      

                                                                          

As much as this brought happiness to me, it also for a moment brought me sadness. For all the years as a child I did not get to participate in an Easter Egg Hunt and for the first 10 years of my sons life they also did not get to enjoy the eggs and Easter bunny .

Jehovahs Witnesses do not celebrate Easter , they do not celebrate the resurrection of Christ , they only celebrate the death of Christ .

As a child, seeing other girls getting beautiful , frilly dresses for Easter ..I was always jealous , how fun that must be to get that new dress, go to church , have a big family dinner get some Easter Eggs and oh how I wanted a Chocolate Easter Bunny… come to think of it , Ive still never had a chocolate bunny..hmmm.. and as a child , seeing other kids hunt those plastic eggs , I often wondered what was in those eggs they hunted ..perhaps diamonds, 100$ bills or what …

Yes, as Christians we know that the Easter bunny isn’t real , we know that hunting eggs isn’t biblical , we know this , Easter is about Jesus rising again after his death and we teach Raleigh the story but I cant help but think how the Lord loves little children and how much happiness it must bring to him to see the little children play and be free for the day picking up eggs and eating chocolate bunnies. I think it would make him happy to see this not sad for the little Jehovah Witness kids who aren’t allowed to do anything.

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Easter they only celebrate the Memorial of Christ death. As a fellow blogger explained :  As a child, your only chance at any type of party is the occasional wedding, which means dressing up in your uncomfortable Sunday clothes, sitting through a long sermon about marriage, then some boring party with grownup dancing.  As an adult, once you have your small and cheap wedding reception and a baby shower or two, your days of fun are over. If you think it’s difficult for children to give up holidays and birthdays, you would be absolutely right.

Jehovah’s Witnesses have often said in their publications that not being obligated to observe holidays like Christmas can actually be very freeing.  Note these quotes from the December 2010 Awake magazine:





“Our family has been set free from the problems associated with excess eating and drinking and the cost of gifts we could not afford,” says Oscar.

“I love giving and receiving gifts,” writes Elfie. “But I don’t like the kind of giving that is done under pressure. When our family stopped celebrating Christmas, it felt like a vacation!”

Peter writes: “When I was celebrating Christmas, I borrowed heavily in order to purchase gifts and pay for lavish meals. Of course, all this meant that I had to work overtime, which took me away from my family. How thrilled I was to be set free from all that!”

Let me first of all digress from my point about holidays and simply ask if these quotes sound real to anyone. How many people would use the phrase, “problems associated with excess eating” or “how thrilled I was to be set free”?

Jehovah’s Witnesses also claim in their magazines and publications that they don’t need holidays and birthdays as they can give gifts out of love and “at any time of the year.”  Yes, they absolutely can do this, but in my experience, they absolutely do not do this, at all, ever.  Growing up and and as an adult in the religion, I never once saw a parent give their child a gift for any reason or at any time, ever, other than for their wedding.  As said, some are now having small graduation parties for kids, but this is a relatively new occurrence.  Parties for kids were few and far between when I was in the religion, and at most might have been a few hours doing crafts and then having a slice of cake. What fun!

While some might enjoy the idea of not being obligated to give gifts, rather than being “set free” from just overspending and giving gifts they couldn’t afford, the Jehovah’s Witnesses I know were “set free” from ever having to host parties, buy gifts, or make life fun for their children in any way.  Children have all these holidays and celebrations taken from them, but are never compensated with any type of festivity or gift or party or fun of any sort

A JW parent might shrug off this information by reasoning that parties and holidays and gifts are not needed in a child’s life, but this overall lack of gift-giving and festivities can hurt children who are growing up as Jehovah’s Witnesses.  They aren’t stupid; they see other children getting gifts and fun parties from their parents, and then see their own parents, who are all too happy to be stingy and miserly and who never give them anything other than their basic necessities.  What are children supposed to think about how their parents feel about them?

Children see fun holidays and celebrations and festivities enjoyed by other kids at school, and then see their own religion, which not only takes these things away but which then involves constant dull meetings and assemblies, sermons, preaching work, dressing up, home bible studies on top of weekly meetings at the Kingdom Hall, and always being told what you’re doing wrong.  JW parents really think this isn’t damaging to children?  What impression does this leave on children as to what type of personality Jehovah has? What type of life does this give a child?

Not only do children see that they don’t get gifts and parties and festivities like other children, but they too can read in the JW publications the statements of those who see giving up holidays as a “vacation,” as if they’re now happier that the “burden” of having fun and being generous to their own families is gone.

They too read the claims JWs make about giving gifts “at anytime of the year,” and can see that these are just hollow words.  Might they start to question the false front that JWs put on, when it comes to statements made in their publications versus the reality of their everyday life?

I’m not telling Jehovah’s Witnesses what they should and should not celebrate, but I would ask how they think their children feel when they take away so much from them without giving anything in return.  You can say all the words you want; you can claim that Jehovah is a happy god and that you serve him with rejoicing and that you give gifts all the time, but what about your actions?  Yes, you can create happiness and fun and festivities for your children and give them gifts at anytime, but do you? Do you really make your children happy with gifts and fun times and festivities, or do you just make them victims of your religion by taking away anything and everything that might make their lives more enjoyable, as if the more miserable you are, the better Witness you are?



And are these too just more lies printed in your magazines to make outsiders think your families and your religion are much more loving than they really are? I would go with the latter choice myself.

So today , I am working again, but my little grandson will be coming over after church so I can see him in his little Easter outfit and you betcha Im going to make over him encourage his smiles and while letting him be happy with the Hippity Hoppity Easter Bunny , I will make sure he knows that today is all about Jesus  and how Jesus bore the bitter so he could taste the sweet chocolate bunny and  I know I once had an empty life but I am so thankful for that empty tomb today.


                                                                          

 

 

I am my Fathers Trash but Im God's Treasure

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30


                                                

 

Its been a while since my last blog ..so much has happened since then. Today , as I sit with my window opened and listening to the birds sing their praised and a light cool breeze blowing in , my heart is hurting and this scripture came to mind in Matthew. The Lord knows how tired I am mentally and even physically. Tired of trying to gain acceptance and love from two people that the Lord gave me too. Two people that should have seen me as a blessing not a curse, two people who should love me without end and sometimes, I wonder ..Lord, why did you give me and bless my parents with me, they didn’t appreciate your gift and I was the one who paid a high price . With that thought, comes another whisper, Karen, you are trying to take back this burden AGAIN, give it to me my child, I will give you rest .

 

I thought about what he said in Matthew .. Take my yoke…. A yoke is a heavy wooden piece used to bound animals together so they can walk in unison with one another..
                                    




So then I thought ,, Lord if I already have a burden , why do I want to take on a heavy piece of wood ( a yoke) I pondered on that for quite sometime but if I take on the yoke of the Lord  it can be comforting because he wants to carry my load , relieving me of the yoke of my parents , the Jehovah Witnesses.. this yoke has weighed me down long enough . I thought about how when Christ died he arose again three days later .. he woke up .. Today , I have awakened.

 

My story as a Jehovah Witness child is not uncommon,most who grow up as a JW we are stripped of our innocence, exposed to horrific images of death and Armageddon, conversations of adult matters. Instead of enjoying life as a child with sports, bands, cartoons, birthday cake ..we are stuck in our bedroom , lonely , left studying the Watchtower magazine or knocking on doors peddling magazines and isolated from society , suffering from loneliness and depression. Our child hood dreams are taken away, my dream of being an OBGYN was demanded to be replaced with a dream of knocking on doors for the remainder of my life, by doing this serving Jehovah my end prize would be getting to play with a big lion in Paradise.The price was way to high and the trade off not fair.

As a child, I had no choice ..but as  I grew into adult hood what kept me as a JW for as long as they did was FEAR, GUILT, SHAME and later Resentment  handing out magazines .





The burden of being shunned is the ultimate rejection of myself and the cruelest mental , emotional and psychological form of abuse especially from my own parents, the suffering is substancial but what Im learning is … the pain is only as long as I allow it to continue. I am beginning to understand I have a duty to my self , I have to love myself and my family , my real family  and real friends to protect them from the abuse the abusers the Jehovah Witnesses. We are obligated to protect ourselves ..even from our parents. There is a limit in which we honor and obey them. Im learning to honor parents does not mean I have to allow myself to be a target of their abuse any longer. After receiving this text message from my father …calling me  a piece of trash .. devastated me …
                                                    

..... how could he feel this way about his little girl, his one and only child .Shunning is the main reinforce of the Watchtower Organization. By allowing JW’s to shun me I am only showing them I have a respect for their rules, Im in a fact giving them permission , telling them its ok to treat me this way and that I am deserving of this type of treatment. But mom and dad, Im not , Im a human being with feelings, Im your daughter , that has feelings and just want to be wanted by you , but I no longer will allow you to hurt me .





The JW’s who practice shunning such as my parents, kept inserting themselves in my life by taking shots at me .. but this is as long as I let them. No longer will I allow you to do so . Allowing myself to be victimized takes away my power and keeps me weighed down .If my happiness is contingent on thinking my parents will leave the organization then I have realized I have put a pretty cheap price on my happiness with the Lord.

 

Mom and Dad you are the ones being punished by not being able to speak with me …..not me, my Lord gives me the freedom to speak to anyone..


I may be your trash dad you have stomped me long enough but Im still standing because what you didn't find pretty in me and loved me, The Lord says Im his child and Im beautiful and Im his treasure.


                                                 

The Widows Mite:Two Copper Coins;Griffyn's Mite :Pizza

Its been a few weeks since my last blog. I have so many notebooks of thoughts, memories, feelings but I have to let the Lord lead me in what I write about , as my husband Mark would tell me , “ don’t go all willy nilly, follow your spiritual gift that the Lord gave you , to honor him” as a bag of fun my husband is , he does have some profound statements from time to time.

This past week, something hit me when I saw a thread on Facebook. It was a picture of my nephew( well actually he is my cousin but he calls us Aunt Karen and Uncle Mark)  his name is Griffyn and he is probably one of the most generous and thoughtful young men you would meet.

Griffyn, is attending MTSU college in TN, he is about 3 hours from home and does not have any family while being in college. This past week, Griffyn seen a gentleman standing on the street holding a sign that said “Hungry” Now, anyone who knows Griffyn, the boy loves to eat and especially this time of year while in wrestling season and you are having to “cut” weight , that is all a wrestler thinks of is FOOD. Griffyn, is not a young man that is made of material wealth, his parents work but just like the rest of mainstream Americans there is not a lot left over to be able to provide the luxury of cars  etc.. So Griffyn lives on a tight budget being in college, of course his main meal being of Ramen Noodles so when he can occasionally have that Pizza , it’s a welcoming party to his taste buds. This week, he had just bought a pizza and rather than have his tongue fly back and hit his tonsils and have the pizza party for him , he seen this gentleman holding this sign and he gave his pizza to this man .

                                                                                

There was some negativity , with this thread , because Griffyn and the gentleman had a picture taken together with the pizza. One individual thought Griffyn wanted to bring Glory to himself , when in fact if anyone knows my nephew this wasn’t the case at all, he wanted to bring light to the situation that during this snow storm there are people out there that are hungry. Another , negativity that was said , this gentleman had a on a North Face jacket. My response was : The point of grace isn’t that the recipient is worthy – it’s all about the giver of the grace and how much they love. We deserve nothing from God yet He gives us everything. If we are wanting to follow Him then we have to have the same attitude as He does towards the poor. Love them without restraint. Don’t judge them or think you know them or treat them as a “mob” that you think you have all the answers on.

And who the heck is “more worthy” of eating??? It’s a basic human right – I don’t care if you’ve spent your money on crack – if you are hungry I’m going to give you food. Period. Starving never taught anyone anything except that people don’t care about them and they are worthless. And that’s a lie because the “worst” or “least” of us is who Christ died for.

Now comes the point of my blog , with the act of giving . We have all heard “It is better to give than to receive?” Is that true for you , for me. Anyone knows me , will say I give way to much and I would be honest to say that is true. Our giving is part of our UNIQUE “Talent , workmanship “ that God dug and built into each of us.

When the person responded to my nephews picture stating that Griffyn just wanted admiration for his giving ( so not true ) but I couldn’t help but think about Biblical Solomon: He was the extravagant giver , Everything he gave was huge in size , 3000 Proverbs, 1005 Songs a beautiful temple and palace, when Solomon gave he didn’t hide or shy away from recognition. Griffyn gave a pizza, it made him feel good he gave altruistically  not to gain recognition for himself although giving felt good.

 

Do we remember the story of the Poor Widows Offering of the two copper coins and what did Jesus say to his disciples : "Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; 44for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on."

I think about Griffyn, he gave all he had , this pizza was probably his biggest splurge for the week, but he gave it all.

Growing up as Jehovah Witness , we did not give to charities. We could not and they are still not allowed to shop at Salvation Armies any Christian Book Store or any type of charity such as Girl Scout Cookies ( although many JW”S sneak and buy them anyway. Although I was raised in believing to give , it was only actually giving to the JW organization, Jehovahs Witnesses do not tither per se, they do not pass around a collection plate , now that sounds nice , because if you don't have 5$ to spare to give to the plate you aren't embarrassed however when you attend a Kingdom Hall you will see "CONTRIBUTION boxes" on the wall or in a corner, you are highly encouraged to give in the boxes. ( picture below of Jehovahs Witnesses with the Contribution boxes)

                   

In order to receive any assistance from The Jehovah Witness you must at least be studying with them  and making changes in your life , the assistance is minimal, Jehovahs witnesses do not have soup kitchens,  no homeless shelters for battered women  hey don't even believe in  having clothing bins. If a homeless person walked in the Kingdom Hall as I have witnessed, seeking help, the elder will surround him like chicken pecking a snake, they will wok on that persons vulnerability , invite them to stay for the meeting , offer a bible study and perhaps they might give them a ride .

·        The Watchtower Society ( JW’s) has often criticized other churches for passing collection plates during meetings. Churches that organize bingo, party games and other fund-raising efforts have also been repeatedly condemned. At the same time the JW’s has emphasized that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not solicit donations!

I can remember one time being with a friend of mine and there was some individuals came to her door collecting for a Cancer Fund, I can remember she and I discussing  giving to them . We really didn’t see a problem with it but our JW thoughts came back in  that no we need not give because “Jehovah will be removing cancer shortly when we get to Paradise.”then as I got older it didn’t make any sense as to why we as JW’s didn’t give to charities such as cancer , organ and tissue transplants etc.. but we would gladly accept any help if we had cancer or needed a transplant. Its the same with blood , a JW will accept blood “fractions” but they wont donate blood. They will reap the reward of good will toward others  but don not reciprocate.

I love my father whom has shunned me . He served in the Army and received an honorable discharge . Later he became a JW’. Jehovah ‘s Witnesses do not believe in serving in the military , do not and will not salute the flag , will not sing the national anthem BUT  my dad gladly accepts the benefits of being in the military . He had cancer that almost killed him but was given the best care at the Veterans hospital. His medical cost him no money , he was able to afford his home through a VA loan, so this has always troubles me as Jehovahs witnesses, we cant serve or show respect to the flag or our service men but he can take the benefits of the government.

Jehovah witnesses will say they give to charities they  will tell you that they do charitable work, aiding people in hurricane-struck areas or disaster areas , they do some charitable work. Just enough to get away with their tax-exempt Charity status. You’ll mostly benefit from it if you are a Jehovah’s Witness.

I have been at restaurants as a  former Jehovah Witness and rather than the witnesses at times leaving the waitress a monetary tip they have left the waitress with a watchtower magazine or a biblical tract . This was to be viewed as tip to save her life . Now , I don’t know about you  but when Im hungry  or working , I don’t want a piece of literature  as my pay , Id like to be able to buy a can of food.

Since leaving my world as a JW , I have to admit my views of humanity have changed  well, perhaps not so much changed , because I believe the Lord held me tight growing up as a JW  until I was old enough and strong enough to leave the organization. So rather than my views on humanity changing I would say , my view on humanity and giving has only deepened.  Seeing people give from their heart, my profession in working with transplants seeing how people find solace out of a tragic death by giving and organ to someone else is altruistic as it gets. Seeing that there is good  in people. Practicing giving without having to wonder if it is ok .. I give because it feels good, it makes me smile, it makes me smile to see another person happy. Whether , it’s a piece of pizza, the shoes off my feet ( which I have done ) my husband and buying a random family breakfast at IHOP, giving my children a gift , giving to my grandbabies and as a called APOSTATE that is shunned by her Jehovah Witness family and friends giving the gift of a simple smile and hello doesn’t cost me anything .. but peace and knowing that the Lord is happy with my gift -----because it honored him.So yes, there is more happiness in giving than receiving , so the next time someone gives you something , please remember the gift is be given to you out of love they feel for you , they are not giving you something for you to say “oh you didn’t have to” no , they didn’t have too, but something moved that person to think of you .. its called love , so don’t hurt that persons feeling by declining the gift , give them a hug and just say THANK YOU .