"Come to me, all you who are
weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn
from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your
souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
Its been a while since my last blog
..so much has happened since then. Today , as I sit with my window opened and
listening to the birds sing their praised and a light cool breeze blowing in ,
my heart is hurting and this scripture came to mind in Matthew. The Lord knows
how tired I am mentally and even physically. Tired of trying to gain acceptance
and love from two people that the Lord gave me too. Two people that should have
seen me as a blessing not a curse, two people who should love me without end
and sometimes, I wonder ..Lord, why did you give me and bless my parents with
me, they didn’t appreciate your gift and I was the one who paid a high price .
With that thought, comes another whisper, Karen, you are trying to take back
this burden AGAIN, give it to me my child, I will give you rest .
I thought about what he said in Matthew .. Take my yoke…. A yoke is a heavy wooden piece used to bound animals together so they can walk in unison with one another..
So then I thought ,, Lord if I already have a burden , why do I want to take on a heavy piece of wood ( a yoke) I pondered on that for quite sometime but if I take on the yoke of the Lord it can be comforting because he wants to carry my load , relieving me of the yoke of my parents , the Jehovah Witnesses.. this yoke has weighed me down long enough . I thought about how when Christ died he arose again three days later .. he woke up .. Today , I have awakened.
My story as a Jehovah Witness child is not uncommon,most who grow up as a JW we are stripped of our innocence, exposed to horrific images of death and Armageddon, conversations of adult matters. Instead of enjoying life as a child with sports, bands, cartoons, birthday cake ..we are stuck in our bedroom , lonely , left studying the Watchtower magazine or knocking on doors peddling magazines and isolated from society , suffering from loneliness and depression. Our child hood dreams are taken away, my dream of being an OBGYN was demanded to be replaced with a dream of knocking on doors for the remainder of my life, by doing this serving Jehovah my end prize would be getting to play with a big lion in Paradise.The price was way to high and the trade off not fair.
As a child, I had no choice ..but as I grew into adult hood what kept me as a JW for as long as they did was FEAR, GUILT, SHAME and later Resentment handing out magazines .
The burden of being shunned is the ultimate rejection of myself and the cruelest mental , emotional and psychological form of abuse especially from my own parents, the suffering is substancial but what Im learning is … the pain is only as long as I allow it to continue. I am beginning to understand I have a duty to my self , I have to love myself and my family , my real family and real friends to protect them from the abuse the abusers the Jehovah Witnesses. We are obligated to protect ourselves ..even from our parents. There is a limit in which we honor and obey them. Im learning to honor parents does not mean I have to allow myself to be a target of their abuse any longer. After receiving this text message from my father …calling me a piece of trash .. devastated me …
..... how could he feel this way about his little girl, his one and only child .Shunning is the main reinforce of the Watchtower Organization. By allowing JW’s to shun me I am only showing them I have a respect for their rules, Im in a fact giving them permission , telling them its ok to treat me this way and that I am deserving of this type of treatment. But mom and dad, Im not , Im a human being with feelings, Im your daughter , that has feelings and just want to be wanted by you , but I no longer will allow you to hurt me .
The JW’s who practice shunning such as my parents, kept inserting themselves in my life by taking shots at me .. but this is as long as I let them. No longer will I allow you to do so . Allowing myself to be victimized takes away my power and keeps me weighed down .If my happiness is contingent on thinking my parents will leave the organization then I have realized I have put a pretty cheap price on my happiness with the Lord.
Mom and Dad you are the ones being punished by not being able to speak with me …..not me, my Lord gives me the freedom to speak to anyone..
I may be your trash dad you have stomped me long enough but Im still standing because what you didn't find pretty in me and loved me, The Lord says Im his child and Im beautiful and Im his treasure.
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