De'Javu, Devon and Jessi, Janice Messer, Mr. Bill Henderson Mr. Lloyd and Christmas.

Two weeks ago my now 26 year old son Devon and his wife Jessi  had to face a similar experience I had with my parents about 15 years ago . I called it my De'javu  moment;;;

Since the birth of my grandson Raleigh , my son and his wife have allowed my parents , to babysit Raleigh once or twice a week. This is their great grandchild , of course they are thrilled and happy and they do love him so much .

About 15 years ago , while in the strong midst of my parents shunning me , they had called me in Maryland and wanted to know if they could have the boys , my sons Devon Cody and Dylan for two weeks during the summer. Although my parents shunned me, I wanted my boys to know and have some memories of  their grandparents even though they were staunch Jehovah Witnesses. I told my parents yes they can come, but my only rule was ..they could not take the boys to the Kingdom Hall, nor talk religion with them. I felt this was my parental decision. Other than that , they could take them fishing , to the park etc..have a great time with them. So , my husband and I drove the 8 hours down to Tn to drop them off , we turned around and drove the 8 hours back as soon as we pulled in the driveway at 10 pm, my son Devon who was 12 and the time called me and whispered in the phone "momma, nanny took us to JC Penney's to get us suits and ties and Papaw says while we are here in his house we will attend the Kingdom Hall" so ...my husband and I turned around and drove another 8 hours back and I knocked on my parents door at 7 am and took my sons back home . I tried to reason with them, these were my sons and all I wanted was no discussion of religion. I even reasoned with them "you would never have allowed my grandparents to take me to a Baptist church would you ? so Im their mother and Im not allowing them to the Kingdom Hall.

Fast Forwarding to last week , my son Devon had got wind that my parents are teaching Raleigh to pray . Devon and Jessi have no problem with prayer, They indeed are teaching Raleigh about the love of Christ. Im so proud of my son and daughter in law for going over and facing my parents, his grandparents . They asked my parents do they pray with Raleigh, they said yes, they asked specifically what they pray about and do they just say God or Jesus. My dad staunchly stated they use and are teaching him  the name Jehovah. ( This normally wouldn't be an issue , but you have to understand that JW's do not believe in the trinity , so therefore they don't commonly use Christ name in prayer just Jehovah) Devon and Jessi , faced the same issue that Mark and I faced 15 years ago , so Devon and Jessi had to inform them that Raleigh could no longer come to their home if they could not abide by the simple rule of just not using the name Jehovah.


So now we are looking forward to Christmas, I still struggle with actually celebrating Christmas, its just sad but I am working really really hard at making new memories.

Actually, Ive only had two trees in my entire life. As a born and raised 2nd generation Jehovah Witness growing up , this was one of many holidays we didn’t celebrate. I formerly disassociated myself as a JW back in 1998 and although I left the religion , still certain things that were taught as a child carried through the years. A few years ago our sons Devon, Dakotah , Dylan and Ben decided they were going to get a tree and surprise me . Well that they did, I walked into our home in Maryland and there stood the most ugliest prettiest tree I had ever seen. You see, since the boys weren’t raised with a tree, they weren’t quite sure how to put it up or decorate it. It was lop sided and the ornaments were not hung with hooks but placed instead with the eye of ornament sticking in the limbs. But there it stood, the most gorgeous first Christmas tree ever. Smiles.
Firstly I must stress that I absolutely hold out anyone’s right to their own beliefs and opinions; but when the practice of such directly causes mental anguish to family and friends then it is time to investigate and expose such practices. People who are termed ex jw’s are often perceived as bitter, twisted individuals with an ax to grind or they have a mental disease. I am appreciative of the fact that my parents raised me in believing in God, creation, morals, values , in the end isn’t that what all of us parents should be teaching .

This is the point where my life is now. I have come to the realization over the past year that the religion that I grew up in will continue to have an effect on me for the rest of my days. There is no escaping it. 
This is the paradox facing anyone with friends and family in the Watchtower organization; until they have left they cannot see the fallacy of it. But not until they have seen the fallacy of it can they leave. A vicious circle. Jehovah’s Witnesses are so convinced of the correctness and divinity of their own doctrine, that they cannot tolerate any other opinion. Thus those still within the Watchtower mostly shun their non-witness family in the hope that such shunning will bring their non-Witness family into "the truth". I have shunned people and now I am shunned.
Although I have not set foot inside a Kingdom Hall in over a decade, for many years after leaving I was in constant self-doubt. I worried myself sick sometimes over my imminent demise through my leaving "the one true faith".
At the time I got baptized I thought I was doing the right thing. But as any informed person will know, a 14year-old raised in "the Truth" knows nothing, absolutely nothing about life to make a decision of the nature and magnitude required at baptism. Once you become baptized as JW, you are held accountable to everything. At 14 , I wasn’t even old enough to have drivers license, buy a pack of cigarettes, alcohol, see and R rated movie, but I was expected to make a VOW , that I truly did not understand that would effect the rest of my life how that mere humans so called friends would view me . My thoughts upon seeing this usually are: "If only I knew then what I know now!"
Imagine the trauma of a child at the impressionable age of 5 and for a decade thereafter being denied what everyone else took for granted! My school memories are all pretty sad. I achieved reasonable grades but socially I was a wreck. It took me many years after leaving school in the working world just to interact with normal people on a daily basis.
Whenever any social activity was going on I was always left out. "It’s a waste of time asking her!" they would say. "SHe’s not allowed to do anything." So in the end I had no Friends.Sure, I had school mates that were friendly but I wasn’t allowed to do anything with them outside of school. I had to console myself with the thought that "I was making Jehovah’s heart glad" by not associating with these "worldly people". The most dreadful time of year was going back to school after the Christmas holidays. Everyone would be describing or showing the gifts they received from their friends and family. A good year was if they left me alone. Then I would sit and feel sorry that I didn't get any Christmas presents. But kids being kids I was invariably the object of ridicule , Because I was different.One year, I just decided that I would lie, when went back to school, I made up all sorts of stuff I got for Christmas, I couldn’t say I got new clothes because they were the same as I had worn before Christmas School for most of the time was a constant worry. Every day I just wanted to be normal. Not different. My religion would try to portray my contemporaries as evil. Doing evil things in Satan's world. In point of fact most teenagers in the 80's I recollect now that very few of the people I went to school with were immoral, mindless, drug abusing, drinking, evil people. Apart from the one or two idiots, (and every school had them), most of us were pretty much the same. Except me! I stuck out like a sore thumb. Usually in conversations I would spot trends that might lead to ridicule of me and I quickly became adept at diverting attention to something else. But the determined amongst my peers would find reason to ridicule. Naturally, my parents had no clue of what went on, So long as I obeyed their rules and kept out of trouble that was the main concern. Thank goodness, for such teachers as Mr. Henderson and Mr. Lloyd , I think felt pity for me that they tried to make things a little normal.. Even when I see Mr. Henderson today , he knows who I am . He will never know what solace he brought to me in school.
As I write this I try to tell myself that because it is some 10 to 20 years since this happened it no longer matters. But it does, because the hurt will never go away. Yes certainly the pain recedes with time and I don’t spend every waking moment consumed with bitterness, but I can never go back and reclaim these times. My childhood was destroyed in the name of a religion and nothing I can do now and no matter how I feel will change this.
I suppose what makes it slightly easier to bear now is that I have seen the Watchtower Religion for what it is; .
The truth as they saw it had no gray areas. If it was printed in the Watchtower, IT WAS LAW.
Witnesses and everything they stand for.
The regimented life we led as a family bore no resemblance to my school friends. Meetings, field service and family study. 1981 through to 1987 were just routine based around what the Watchtower wanted. I kept telling myself that it was not right to feel the way I did. Why did I have to be the one unlucky enough to be being raised as a JW? But what else was there. You were raised to believe that it was worth all the short term suffering for the wonderful future. My parents kept telling me they knew how I felt. How could they? They were never raised in the truth. They had all the benefits of a normal contemporary childhood. They went into it as grown adults.
It was only after I left in 1998 and a nurse I worked with Janice Messer kept witnessing to me , I had never been in a church before, only a Kingdom Hall. She kept inviting me to her church and although I felt I was being led to go I didn’t for fear, I was taught to never go in a church, they don’t use their Bible and they do not know the name Jehovah. One evening at work while the shift was slow in Labor and Delivery , Janice said to me “ Ok Karen, lets pretend for one moment there isn’t a hell as you believe , then if you died right now , you wouldn’t have to worry about anything , is that correct “ I said “Yes” She said “ok, now lets just pretend there is a hell, and my friend the Bible does teach of hell, if you my friend have not asked the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior and forgiveness and submit to him, then my friend you have everything to be worried about.” I was in conviction, I could not sleep or eat and finally I told Janice I would go to church with her.That Sunday I stood outside that church door, trembling crying as Janice tried to console me that everything was going to be ok. I think thought little demons were going to spew off the wall and I just knew I would lose Jehovahs favor . But I walked in and the most calm I had ever felt in my life came over me , and I saw happy people, I saw people with their Bibles and while the pastor was preaching and using his Bible he said Jehovah “ What my ears perked up, you know Psalms 83:18 , wow, you know Gods name as Jehovah” That week in May of 1998 , I surrendered and gave my life and salvation was given and I know I am a Child of the king. I finally started to get my mind back together. Professional help was needed along the way.
So now I just carry on. Doing normal things, like normal people. And it does get better. I have my fair share of everyday problems but unlike the mind slaves of the Watchtower I face them on my own terms. One of the very unfortunate side effects of leaving the Watchtower is that I have a hard time with finding a home church for fear. Yet, there are some very decent committed people out there trying to make life better for everyone using the message of Christ. I hope one day that my fears will subside.Maybe next year my husband told me that the cycle will be broken with the birth of our first grandchild. Next year he said, you can live vicariously through Raleigh , you can break the cycle and maybe feel normal to have a tree…. Maybe …just Maybe..
Writing this , I am sitting here trying to decide to post or not,scared, knowing that if certain people read this I will be shunned more, possibly by my parents. I love my parents more than they know and feel I proven to be a daughter that has taken care of them regardless of what their religion tells them to treat me.And I will continue being that daughter . My parents taught me honor them and respect them and I think I have done so. But I also know the power of the religion, unfortunately , it hold more power than I .

Knock Knock.... its me Karen

Knock, Knock… I’m sure many have received that knock on their door to peer out your window and see that the man standing in the suit and tie and the woman in her conservative dress with their book bags in hand, you realize they are Jehovah Witnesses standing at your door .There are ones who dread seeing them come, there are those who will open their door and politely sheww the JW away, there are those who look at JW’s with deep regard that they are diligent in their door to door ministry. I have even heard many times “ at least they do practice knocking on doors” For me, I don’t have much respect for this at all, you would have had to grow up in a very devout JW home to understand why now , I find that lying to people at their door regarding Jesus Christ is appalling to me.

When one thinks of a cult… often comes to mind Jim Jones back in the 70s’ or David Koresh or even more now we hear about Scientology. A cult is anything or anyone who continues to control your thoughts, actions and feelings. Growing up as a Jehovah Witness  I can remember being young and when I would be told at someone’s door ,I  had just knocked on ,that we “I” was part of a cult , it angered me , I would want to fight words to defend my belief as a JW. I was young, this was what I was born into, a belief I did not ask to be a part of, but a belief that I had to partake of.

Let me walk you through a day or week in the life of an active JW; As for me my dad was an elder (an elder is the equivalent of a pastor but JW’s have more than one elder per Kingdom Hall), I was an only child and my mother was a pioneer (A pioneer is someone who knocks on peoples doors between 30 and 60 hours a month ad yes time is counted). We attended the Kingdom Hall on Tuesday nights from 7p-8 pm for what they call the congregation “book study”, these book studies were smaller meetings of with fewer JW’s spread out the community that night. There would be an elder who would conduct the study session. Paragraphs from the publication would be read and a question would be asked and individual JW’s will raise their hand to comment on the question. Now, when we are real little like under the age of 5, we are taught to raise our hand and we are given little comments to say like Jehovah, Paradise etc... As you start progressing in age, you are encouraged to give longer answers in your own words not read from the paragraph. As a teen ager, if I had not prepared my study lesson and not given a comment, I was grounded.

Thursday nights, we attended the Kingdom Hall from 7p-9 pm- During this time we would have the “Theocratic Ministry School” where we are taught how to talk to you at your door. We perform different skits pretending not to be a JW and the other person is taught what to say and we are actual GRADED on our performance. During this time as well and elder may give a small 20 minute “sermon” as JW’s they are not called sermons they are called “Talks” , the Talk may be on a congregation need perhaps, not gossiping or being in time at the meeting, encouraging prayer , etc..

Saturday mornings were always spent in the door to door ministry. I can remember be a child and teen ager and just wanting for one day to sleep in and perhaps to just watch cartoons, but nope, I was out in my dress knocking on your door. For my family, not only was it Saturdays we spent knocking on doors but it was anytime, I had off from school, so my summer vacations were always knocking on doors.

Sundays we attended the Kingdom Hall for 2 hours from 10 -12, the first hour being a Public Talk from an elder and the 2^nd hour what we called the Watchtower Study, similar to the Book study as I described.

If you are a devout Witness as in my case, your days are always counted for, to leave little room for you to be in contact with the outside world. While in school, you are taught to be nice and can be friendly, but that is far as it goes, you can’t become actual friends where you get to do things with that person such as sleep overs etc.

During the year, JW’s have 3 bigger meetings called assemblies, conventions, Special Days. This is where we will meet in a bigger city at a convention center for 1-2 days all day long, listening to different elders giving talks. I can remember our vacations were always the conventions in the summer, never did we actually take a vacation to the beach etc.

When you live a life that is so controlled with what you wear, read, can’t do, can do that the power to think on your own or question anything, then that is a cult.  Questioning the organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses, even including questioning my parents undermined my mental programming as doubts crept in.

When you do decide to leave as in my case at almost 30 years old. It is the scariest thing to ever go through. The life you had , you know will never be the same , but you know you can’t live this life anymore  but you’re scared, I was in fear of not having any support  system, the only friends I had ever known now would shun me . Even now 17 years later, the shunning still triggers , let me make this clear, shunning me does not make me at all ever want to return to an organization  that teaches such a thing, the trigger is only that I still can’t understand how anyone who claims to be a Christian , how they could not even utter hello to someone.

There are two types of groups that are shunned in the JW organization: "disfellowship" and "disassociated".  Disfellowshipping is what Jehovah's Witnesses appropriately call the expelling and subsequent shunning of an unrepentant wrongdoer you could be disfellowshipped for multiple reasons, smoking a cigarette, saluting the flag, reading other literature from another church , associating with non JW’s the list is numerous.

Disassociated is someone who has rejected Jehovah and are called apostates. They are called "mentally diseased." They seek to infect others with their teachings... I am in this category.

The punishment of shunning the individual applies forever, or until the individual goes through a grueling few months or year of attending meetings still being shunned and the congregation of elders formally reinstates the person.

One of my biggest questions also growing up was the fact that Jehovah’s Witnesses only believe 144,000 individuals will go to heaven. Every Spring around Easter, Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate the death of Jesus and only if you are one of those 144,000 people who will go to heaven only that individual can partake of the unleavened bread and wine. … So over the years The Governing Body of Elders from New York would send out the statistics of how many partook in the previous year of the bread and wine. I started noticing that one year maybe only 18,000 partook, the next year maybe 20, 000 people partook. I questioned to myself shouldn’t the numbers be going down as these individuals die off, rather than go up. I remember thinking a silly thought to myself “I thought what is happening is a little old man and woman JW at a nursing home stealing and extra piece of pie so they get knocked out of going to heaven so now someone has taken their place… it just made no sense… still makes no sense...

For any individuals who know of someone who is trying to break free from being a JW, you have to understand coming out of this organization is mentally and emotionally draining. It still is for me all these years later .There is a whole bag of negative feelings including fear, bitterness, despair, anger, sadness, loneliness, rejection and depression. Prayer is also very important. Today, I pray for wisdom and a receptive heart. I have to continue to remind myself my name is Karen no apsostate.

 

 

Leave the Past and Live for the Future...141 things JW's cant do

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday with their families.  As a former Jehovah Witness, although I have been out and shunned now for 17 years , holidays are still the hardest. It is like a Holiday Seasonal Depression. I recently saw a post that said "If you don't leave your past in the past it will destroy your future, Live for what today has to offer not what yesterday has taken away" Words so ,so true, but yet so, so hard , when anyone has a past that has scarred them so much emotionally and psychologically . The individuals who say "Leave the past alone, get over it .." these are the individuals who most likely  had a good stable relationship with their parents. They most likely have memories of their parents at holidays , birthdays and even may have some wonderful memories of going to church together. I am learning  through blogging and help--- I am learning how to not keep letting my past define me . Its kind of like when a soldier goes off to war and they see all the blood shed etc, or a person who has been physically abused or tortured, they have trauma from that , they want to let go of those memories because they hurt so bad, but the inner conscience will bring triggers back up . So in my case, oh my , don't I want to just forget about everything absolutely, what I am learning is that my past of being a Jehovah Witness will always be my shadow, but I don't have to let that shadow control my actions and reactions. Another former JW , made a list of 141 things that Jehovah Witnesses aren't allowed to do .. now this is just 141 things he came up with. Now within, Jehovah Witness individual families , there are even more rules and things you cant do. Now, for one moment , those individuals who make the statement "it your past get over it " try for one moment living 30 years with having to try and remember every one of these rules  and in my case I can remember our own family rules along with these 141 . I coudnt watch Casper , Scooby Doo, The Wizard of Oz, even when ET came out in the 80's I was not allowed to view that .No concerts, no posters on your wall of celebrities that was considered idol worshiping. I was taught to fear everything . Even my blogs, Im In fear of my parents , getting hold of these blogs and reading them , for fear of being called more names , but this is a way for me to let go and stand on my own and live for what I have now and be thankful for the life I do have. Its only been the past three years that I have even put up a Christmas Tree, last week when I put up my tree, most people like to decorate it by listening to Christmas music. I cant .. it makes me sad , it makes me think back growing up while others were enjoying family time and eating turkey , I was out knocking on your door and then went home and had a bologna sandwich. This year I decorated while listening to some 80's music ..smiles.. I avoid the stores as much as possible this time of year due to the Christmas Music , it makes me sad and to be quite honest , I don't know the words to the songs . This year, I have decided , I am going to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special with my Grand son Raleigh and make a new memory . I will not let my past define me, I will let the Lord guide me and take my burdens , I will let those individuals that love me , love me and I in return will do the same . Here is the list of 141 things JW's cant do : Take a gander and think for yourself if you would be able to remember and abide by all these things and most not truly understanding the why and you are never allowed to question it , one day at a time Im trying to break the chains.

141 Things Jehovah Witnesses Can’t Do

141 Rules. Things Jehovah’s Witnesses Can’t Do.

1.Belong to another organization or club for the purpose of socializing with nonbelievers.
2.Have best friends and activity buddies who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses.
3.Associate with people outside their organization when it is not necessary.
4.Attend social functions sponsored by their employer unless attendance is required
5.Associate with coworkers after business hours in a social settings
6.Disagree with their organization’s rules and code of conduct.
7.Disagree with their organization’s doctrines.
8.Contribute to the Presidential Campaign Fund on their tax return
9.Join the armed forces and defend their country
10.Say the Pledge of Allegiance
11.Salute the flag
12.Vote
13.Run for leadership in their organization. (JW’s are ‘appointed’ and invited to be leaders.)
14.Run for leadership in any organization 15.Take a stand for any political issue inside their organization
16.Take a stand on any political or ‘worldly’ issue outside of their organization
17.Campaign for a political candidate
18.Hold political office
19.Discuss politics
20.Be a union steward or shop steward
21.Actively be involved in a union strike
22.Use a gun for protection against humans
23.Become a police officer if a gun is required
24.Wear military uniforms or clothing associated with war
25.Take yoga classes and practice the discipline of yoga.
26.Smoke tobacco and cigars 27.Work full time selling tobacco and cigars
28.Attend Alcoholics Anonymous
29.Donate blood
30.Have blood transfusions
31.Read books, magazines, publications, and literature from other religions.
32.Buy anything from a church store
33.Buy something at a church garage sale
34.Donate items to a church run store
35.Shop at the Salvation Army
36.Work for the Salvation Army
37.Work for another church
38.Play competitive sports on a school team
39.Play competitive sports professionally
40.Run for class president
41.Become a cheerleader
42.Go to the school prom or school dance.
43.Attend class reunions
44.Be hypnotized
45.Accept Jesus as their mediator
46.Join the Boy Scouts
47.Join the Girl Guides
48.Join the YMCA
49.Serve on jury duty
50.Study psychology, philosophy, sociology, and viewpoints that might shake their faith
51.Attend other Christian churches
52.Attend nondenominational churches
53.Attend non Christian churches
54.Get married in another church
55.Dating non believers is discouraged
56.Casual dating is discouraged
57.Dating someone without the intent of getting married
58.Having sex before marriage
59.Breaking an engagement, separation, and ‘unscriptural’ divorce may result in disciplinary action
60.Marriage to non believers is not recommended
61.Be gay or lesbian. Homosexuality is not acceptable.
62.Throw rice at a wedding
63.Get divorced unless the reason is adultery
64.Can’t remarry unless their ex commits fornication first
65.Toast drinks
66.Buy a raffle ticket
67.Play bingo
68.Gamble
69.Sing any holiday songs
70.Sing the National Anthem.
71.Celebrate Christmas – Why?
72.Celebrate New Years Eve – Why?
73.Celebrate Easter – Why?
74.Celebrate Mother’s Day – Why?
75.Celebrate Father’s Day
76.Celebrate birthdays – Why?
77.Celebrate Thanksgiving
78.Celebrate Flag Day
79.Celebrate Veteran’s Day
80.Celebrate Independence Day. Why?
81.Celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day
82.Celebrate Valentine’s Day
83.Celebrate Halloween – Why?
84.Celebrate Hanukkah
85.Accept holiday gifts – Why?
86.Celebrate any holiday except the death of Jesus – Why?
87.Partake in the bread and wine that represents Christ unless they are part of the 144,000
88.Make holiday artwork for school
89.Engage in holiday parties at school
90.Take on a leadership role in school
91.Porneia
92.Do suggestive and immodest dancing in a public place
93.Attend a class, workshop, or seminar, sponsored by another church 94.Attend social events or fund raisers sponsored by another church
95.Use of bad language (curse words) is discouraged
96.Wear blue jeans, shorts, and overly casual clothing at the Kingdom Hall. See Dress Code
97.Wear pants at a Kingdom Hall if you’re a woman
98.Wear revealing clothes or skirts that are too short (looked down upon)
99.Wear long hair or facial hair if you’re a man (depends on the local customs of the country you live in)
100.Body piercing are discouraged
101.Tattoos are discouraged
102.State or imply that the Watchtower is not run by Jehovah God.
103.Have discussions and express Bible based viewpoints that contradict the organization’s beliefs
104.Say anything negative about their organization. JW’s must ‘speak in agreement’ and be ‘like-minded’.
105.Consider other religious beliefs as valid and truthful.
106.Acknowledge any prayer spoken by a non believer as valid
107.Take another Jehovah’s Witness to court (with exceptions)
108.Wear or own a cross
109.Own any religious picture
110.Own any religious statue
111.Engage in idolatry
112.Believe in miracles (except those found in the Bible)
113.Believe in ghosts
114.Witchcraft
115.Black magic
116.White magic
117.Consult with a psychic or become one
118.Study tarot cards, get a reading or give a reading
119.Study numerology or get a reading
120.Dabble in ESP (extrasensory perception), dowsing, or divination
121.Use a tool such as a pendulum to access information from the spiritual realm
122.Attempt to communicate with departed spirits.
123.Attend a seance
124.Believe in good luck or say things such as ‘Good luck to you’. Why?
125.Believe or say anything superstitious
126.Prophesy
127.Speaking in tongues
128.Laying on of hands
129.Energy healing such as Reiki
130.Read their horoscope
131.Study astrology or zodiac signs
132.Combat training, boxing, or martial arts
133.Go to heaven unless they are part of the 144,000
134.Worship Jesus as God
135.Idolize any celebrity or love and admire them to excess
136.Women can’t be elders
137.Women can’t be ministerial servants (assistants to the elders)
138.Divulge secret information to enemies and those not entitled to know.
139.Greet or talk with disfellowshipped persons (with some exceptions)
140.Associate with disfellowshipped persons except for immediate family living in the same house
141.Keep secrets from the organization. Jehovah’s Witnesses report friends and family members breaking the rules

A husband who loves God More than ME....

 

Last night , my husband and I  lay in bed cradling, crying and just loving on our 13 year old Shitzu Ripley as she lay taking her last breaths. 13 years she gave us with love not based on any type of condition ,just true pure joy and love and I know she felt our love and hurt as she left us . This morning , we both woke up in tears again, me … Im cleaning away trying to keep busy as Im crying and while Im upstairs I hear my husband downstairs sawing and hammering away. Im thinking he too is trying to stay busy. I walk downstairs and I see that my husband had just built our little Ripley a little coffin, through tears Marks said “She has been faithful to us , I just cant go throw her in a hole” We both just cried.. he carried her gently out and made a beautiful garden memorial for her. As I came back upstairs and went to my porch where I sit and talk with Jesus,Im crying and talking with him and I thought about what my son Cody wrote to me last night “Mom, Im so sorry , your one of the strongest women I know and you battle through anything” I told Jesus, Im tired of the battles and at that moment  he  reminded me  this man Mark Haase whom he has placed in my life. Not only is Jesus wanting to take my burdens and my battles, but he reminded me of this man who is also here for me ALWAYS…

                                                                     

After two failed Jehovah Witness marriages, in 1998 after I was convicted and saved , I met my husband Mark, through my pastor. I was not looking to get married again. My pastor asked me what is it if I were to get married again what is it that I would want in a man, I thought about it and all I wanted was a man who loved God more than me . Simple! My thoughts were if he truly loved God and loved him more than me then he def could love me . God worked Mark and I like checker pieces. I lived in Tn and he and Maryland . We have been married 17 years now . Our walk with Christ has not always been at the forefront but we have had many years where we did walk that walk and we had much success. My husband is a person who means what he says and says what he means.  Since we have been married his stance of beliefs has not changed ,he isn’t confusing.

When he married me , he understood I was a former Jehovah Witness, he truly did not understand the full meaning nor grasp  what that would entail as a matter of fact I wasn’t even grasping what being a disassociated witness was now going to mean . My husband , took to learning and reading about JW’s , reading stories of others who were in the same boat as me being  shunned. The shunning literally was making me so sick that it was hard for me to walk side by side as a submissive wife with my husband. Therefore , my sickness was making my husbands walk with Christ weak .. The bible gives the headship role and some may disagree with me but my husband is the head of our household and when I am or was not walking with him as a submissive wife , it allowed the Devil to create havoc , Jesus reminded me of the Scripture in 1 Corinthians 11:1-34

Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ. Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you. But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, but every wife who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since it is the same as if her head were shaven. ...

                                                                                     

Mark is my head , when I say submissive , not meaning that Mark shouldn’t take my opinion and thoughts into consideration but when he says no its no . He also reminded me although we have had our moments when life was unraveling if we would stay evenly yoked it would have been much better. My husband can at times  be a little bold and head strong putting it mildly..lol. but he has always stood by me , he has always believed in me and he has always tried to protect me . He has loved me so much that at times I felt undeserving to be loved by him because I felt that it would only be a matter of time before he too like my parents would shun or place conditions on me . I think now Jesus , Im understanding the man you gave me , why is it that I have no problem accepting your yes answers in my life but at times when you have told me no or to wait I have problem with that , then I try to do things my own way and I make a muck our of everything. I feel I owe my husband and apology , I apologize for not walking with you at times , thank you for not walking away from me , thank you for loving me through all my hurt and pain with my parents and the religion in which I was brainwashed with .

Not long ago an elder of the JW’s stopped by our home to make a sheparding call on me, They do this from time to time in hopes of guilting me into coming back . As Mark sat there and talked to him , Mark asked him “ SO if my wife wanted to come back what kind of hoops would she have to jump to become a witness again” The elder proceeded to say how I would have to attend the meetings at the Kingdom Hall. Mark said “But that would mean no one could speak to her but they could speak to me until you as a bunch of elders deemed she was repentant “ The elder said “Yes, you have to understand we have to keep our congregation clean of Karen , since she is an apostate” My husband looked at him and said “ And as her husband , head of this family , I have to keep my wife clean and free form your congregation.. Good day “

                                                                             

My husband has always had my back , thank you Mark , I love you , I love your loyalty to our kids, you have helped raise 5 kids that are standing on their own two feet . I thank you for  your compassion and love for our animals and how you gently took care of Ripley this morning . I thank you for your love of our grandbabies and most of all I thank you for not giving up on me and for your walk with Christ here lately, you see by your walk of faith makes it so easy for me to walk in your foot prints, thank you for loving God more than me…. Your Bump 

MY NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE MY NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE

I have spent a lot of time praying and thinking about this particular blog before posting it.My goal is to be honest yet not overlook the facts. Please do not mistake my boldness as anger or bitterness. I write my words in love. According to the Watchtower organization I am considered an APOSTATE, therefore the name of my blog. Under normal circumstances if we were considering the actual definition of an apostate this would not offend me at all. However, the Watchtower organization demonizes Apostates to the point that the majority of witnesses are literally afraid of anyone labeled an apostate.

Have you read the stories of when a child grows up being called stupid, worthless, bad etc...? And after a while after hearing those names being called to you, that individual starts believing they are those things.  Since I left the JW organization 17 years ago I have struggled with that label, hearing the whispers in our small town from current Jehovah Witnesses  “oh don’t speak to her she is disassociated she is an Apostate . An Apostate by definition is someone who has turned away from God who does not believe in God. I never turned away from God. I’m thankful for my parents teaching me about God , I turned away from a man-made organization , not God , so therefore my name is Karen NOT Apostate.

Recently in one of the JW’s Watchtower they described Apostates such as the following. Keep in mind since I am labeled an Apostate this is what they think of me:

1. False teachers
   2) Ravenous wolves
   3) Corruptive
   4) Deceptive
   5) Mentally diseased
   6) Disloyal
   7) Twisted
   8) Malicious slanderers
   9) Meddlers

And as a fellow blogger noticed that the congregation of witnesses sitting in their Kingdom halls they are encouraged to use the words to describe us labeled Apostates as follows: Witnesses are encouraged to believe APOSTATES like me are the words - I added my own characteristics of my self in parenthesis ... and one again my NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE

1) Bitter- ( Im only bitter that I my parents cant have a relationship with me )
2) Cunning ( def not)
3) Dangerous( really , how dangerous can I be , Ive never had a traffic ticket)
4) Dark ( Im afraid of the dark )
5) Disgusting ( now a few meals I have made has been disgusting )
6) Distorted ( only by what has been inculcated in me )
7) Filthy ( oh def not me , I  vaccum 10 times a day )
8) Godless ( so not me , I love my God)
9) Haters of Jehovah ( mom and dad you taught me never to hate anyone )
10) Immoral ( I have made a few sins a long the way immorally, you got me there)
11) Miserable ( only when my mind keeps getting sick with wanting unconditional love )
12) Nasty ( Never)
13) Oppressors ( of what?)
14) Satanic ( I Think not )
15) Sick ( Yes , mentally sick )
16) Slanderers ( nope)
17) Unkind ( def not me my heart is as big as the universe)
18) Unloving ( def not me )
19) Venomous ( really, Ive never bit or killed anyone )
20) Wolves in sheep’s clothing ( nope , I like sheep rather than wolves

 

I can attest to this since my last conversation with my dad one week ago when he told me “I hated Jehovah, I hated Jehovah’s Witnesses and that it is I who is causing the problem” once again placing the blame and guilt on me since I choose not to come back to the Kingdom Hall.

 

As a former Jehovah’s Witness, I have shunned and been shunned. Shunning means those whom we used to call brothers and sisters we would now pass in Wal-Mart or Hobby Lobby or just out on the street without acknowledging then. When I practiced shunning as a Jehovah Witness growing up while in the company of another Witness the act of shunning would, in my own eyes, was a witnessed proof of my loyalty to Jehovah. I was on spiritual high. While alone I was less bold when a shunning opportunity would arise, but if I thought that there may be even a chance that another JW might be watching I would “play the part” all the way. If it was a private situation, however, I might feel somewhat uncomfortable and maybe even make eye contact and nod such in the case of my friend Kim and me when we were 14 as long as no one saw us, I would talk with her or sneak her letters but I had to be careful.

Although I have been disassociated for 17 years, this religion in which I was born in , didn’t ask to be born in to , has kept me in bondage  even with my parents because what child does not pine and long to have their parents love them without conditions . We are obligated to protect ourselves, even from parents. There is a limit on the extent to which we honor or obey them and I struggle with this now, how and what does it mean for me as their child whom they shun, how do I continue to honor them with a Christ like attitude without being hurt .To honor means to provide food, clothing, and shelter to them if asked, to avoid reprimands, be civil in conversation, and accommodate parents in requests made. To honor parents does not mean to make myself a target for their abuse of any kind. Emotional abuse hurts just as bad as physical abuse even though the scars are not on the outside.

Shunning is one of the Jehovah’s Witnesses ways of being just a plain ole bully. When JWs shun me, and I allow it, thereby showing respect for their rules, I only reinforce their bad behavior and give them permission to do it again next time. In effect, I am telling him (and myself) that I am deserving of that kind of treatment.  So what I’m learning is that I have the freedom to speak to whom I want , I’m not being punished, they are , I don’t have a group of men telling me I can’t speak to any Jehovah Witness, I believe in a God who continues to tell me to admonish you as a brother.

The JWs who practice shunning me kept inserting themselves in my life then taking shots at me as long as I let them. I have never been directly hurt by the group leaders, but always by my own acquaintances and relatives, and always because I made myself available to them. Allowing myself to be abused was a powerless situation and I needed some power. Setting my own boundaries to Jehovah's Witnesses   has been incredibly empowering but freedom for me. This past week, one day at a time, I have walked with Jesus, allowing him to carry my burden and I have not taken it back, guess what Jesus, you asked for it and you can keep it... lol... have I told you lately Jesus how much I love you

If my happiness is contingent on jumping through hops to have my parents respect me and love me unconditionally then I have put a pretty cheap price on my happiness. If I have to wait to have a good life until other people change then I'm no better off than the members of the Watchtower and I could just as well be back under the "official" control and influence of the group. Which bring me to my final point. Over the years I have often thought “Ok Karen just go back long enough to get reinstated into the congregation so you can speak freely to your parents or former JW friends”  What people don’t realize the game that you have to go through. I would have to attend months of Kingdom Hall Meetings, walking into the Kingdom Hall with no one allowed to speak to me , NO ONE, I would have to attend all meetings and even with inside the Kingdom Hall I would have to be shunned until the group of elders deemed I was worthy of repentance. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that man knew my heart I thought it was only God who know my heart and how are you  to determine if I’m repentant and worthy enough to be spoken too. It is humiliation at its best to be ignored while you see others in the congregation laughing talking and you sit there like a bump on a log. And if I did choose to go through the tumultuous months of humiliation even after they make a public announcement from the podium that Karen Haase has been reinstated , that is just the beginning of all the hoops you have to entail. But one Thing I do know is this MY NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE.