Christmas: Presents vs Presence

                                                        

Merry Christmas Everyone:

What a beautiful  rainy day we had here in East Tn. I must say this has been the warmest holiday season I can remember having here, it being almost 70 degrees in December.

( Foreward)

***As, I have mentioned before, my blogging is a way for me to finally be able to release so many emotions and deal with my past head on. When my fingers hit the keys it’s as if a flood of words start rolling in my brain and my fingers just start tapping away. Recently, someone told me that they felt my blogs in their opinion shouldn’t be posted on social media , that my blogs , my words may bring triggers up to someone and they in turn have a bad day nor do they feel that I should be so open about my private life that things should be sacred. My blogs that I post are not only going to my personal FB page , but the particular audience that I address is that of former Jehovah Witnesses in several groups, outreach programs and other blog spots, FB is only one avenue that my blogs are posted . I have only had this one negative response to my blogs, I’m sure there may be others but I have only had this one that has been vocal. For years, I have had to keep things silent and for years I have been a prisoner in my own head, so forgive me, but if my blog, my words offend you, just please do not read them. On the flip side, I have been overwhelmed with so many positive remarks about my blogs, how that it has “shed light” how that “they can relate” “they are glad to know they are not alone “wow we didn’t know JW’s did that ““I look forward to your next blog”  ... when I prayed yesterday morning , I prayed in particular about my blog , I want to ensure my words are also giving honor and glory to Jesus who saved my soul and I want to make sure I always give him the credit that is due him and I feel that his is helping me to write my blogs ***

                                                           

Now onto Christmas…. I have touched base in previous post as to what a child’s life is like growing up as JW especially when it comes to the holidays. Of course, it wasn’t until I started school that I began to realize I was different. In grade school, I was not allowed to color pictures , do any type of Christmas craft , no Christmas parties ( my mom would always come pick me up early from school , if there was to be a party) no exchanging of gifts or drawing names, no participating in the Holiday school play or Chorus( to this day it is embarrassing to say , I truly don’t know the words to many of the Christmas songs) At our home, Christmas was just another ordinary day. I can remember being an early teen and one particular Christmas day it was so cold, we spent our Christmas morning going and knocking on doors. Even then, I can remember being embarrassed at best, to be interrupting people celebrating. Then we went home and we had bologna sandwiches for lunch. I went to my room and was looking out my window and I can recall seeing our neighbor’s homes. They were filled with multiple cars in their driveways, you could hear the laughter of people coming in an out with presents and bringing home made holiday dishes to celebrate, I remember how sad I was, just once, I wanted to be that girl next door. I wanted to know what it must be like to smile and have your cousins over and to eat turkey or ham with the whole family , it sure looked like fun and so much love, I can remember seeing people come and go and hug each other . It was never so much the thought of getting gifts- presents as it was the thought of being in presence with family and friends. How could that be so wrong? How could decorating a tree be so horrible that God would not like that?

You see, Jehovah’s Witnesses believe decorating a tree is a form of idol worshiping , now that I’m an adult and have the ability to be a free thinker, I’ve never known anyone that worshiped a tree.

                                                          

After Christmas was over and we would go back to school, I despised the first few days back. I knew everyone would be talking about how they spent their Christmas and sharing what kind of gifts they received and I knew I would be asked as well. As a JW child, you learn to develop a pretty tough outlook year after year and you are reminded that it’s just a form of persecution if you are made fun of for not celebrating the holidays. One year , my next door neighbor was taking me to school with her daughter ,I remember the conversation in the car , I think I was 11 or 12 . Her daughter was saying how much fun they had at church during Christmas and on and on went her fun filled story. I finally just wanted to be normal and I told her and her mom that they gave out candy canes at the Kingdom Hall ( I was shocked I had just told a big fat lie )  but it also felt good to say I got a candy cane . The next day, the mother of this girl asked my dad, she knowing we were JW’s and did not participate in holidays, and she told my dad what I had said about the Kingdom Hall giving out candy canes. My dad asked me if I said that. I can remember lying my butt off to my dad. I told him “No daddy I didn’t say that, Julie must have misunderstood” If I had told the truth, I would have been grounded, I would have been taken before the elders in the congregation and even at that age I would have been marked as not a good associate in the Kingdom Hall.

Fast forward to the now… my middle son Dakotah he has beautiful and sweet girlfriend Erica, she and her family have so many traditions they have during Christmas. Recently, Dakotah was asked by some in her family does his family have any holiday traditions. My son told me he had to explain... not really... and explain the whole JW ordeal. It made me sad to see what this religion not only has robbed me of but what I also started robbing my sons from at an early age.

                                                         

We are now, every year trying to find what our new normal is with the holidays and developing our own traditions and celebrating. Yesterday , Christmas Eve, we went to the movies, came home and started prepping for our Christmas dinner, I made several batches of cookies .Today , I spent cooking with my husband Mark, who has been my rock , for almost 18 years he has watched this mental battle , he has watched the shunning , he has watched my illness and he has never left my side . Mark and I had so much fun cooking together and then later I had my sons Devon and his wife Jessi, my son Dakotah , my son Dylan and his fiancé Katie over and we ate, exchanged gifts and most important of all was breaking the JW cycle for our grandson Raleigh. He is the apple of our eye, watching him and teaching him.I want Raleigh to feel the emotion of giving to others and so Raleigh and Pop went and delivered cookies and chocolates to our next door neighbors. I want my grandson to enjoy his presents , his gifts , but most importantly enjoy-- love and have memories of the presence of family on Christmas and although Dec 25^th may not be the actual date of Christ birth, we still want to recognize and celebrate Jesus. I want my grandson to know the love of his earthly family but also the love of his heavenly father Jesus and the importance as to why we celebrate Christmas. I think I am beginning to see the light at my tunnel and it sure feels good , I have been at the most peace I have ever felt and I thank you Jesus.

                                                              

As the evening has winded down, I stand at my tree, as my sons have told me “for someone who grew up not having a tree , mom you sure did a good job” that makes me smile. I stand and look at my tree, I have no desire to worship and kneel down to my tree, I only see the happiness and the peace I feel inside with this beautiful tree and it is a symbol of where I have came from and how much further I have to go and most importantly it makes me thankful for the birth of Christ .

Brilliant a tribute to Dr. Linas Adams; Eating Disorders

                                                              

As most people I have often heard , those of us in the medical field are the worse of patients. My husband Mark and I have just about the same physicians and our doctors always laugh saying Mark is there good patient and I am well.. their most challenging patient . I graduated in 1996 from Columbus Ga as a Surgical first Assist and since those years I have worked Labor and Delivery and spent countless hours in and out the Operating rooms assisting in various procedures. Its a love of surgery that's for sure. I have now spent almost 15 years working for an OPO out of DC recovering organs and tissues for transplants and so as a medical professional I do understand and realize the significance of diseases , however, it has been my own disease that has been my best friend and my worse enemy.


My ED, my eating disorder. There are a lot of myths out there regarding eating disorders. For me , it has never been about being skinny although there is always  little bit of thinking back in my mind. Since the age of 14 , I started with anorexia , it stemmed from being born into a religion and being made to be a part of with out question---- that I didn't ask for. At age 14, at the time I didn't realize it was depression and anxiety that was bestowed upon me , I just thought every 14 year old must be feeling this way . I wasn't allowed to have much control in my life as a Jehovah Witness , your every move and thought is dictated . The eating disorder was the only thing that I had--- that I had complete control over, what I put in and what I put out . Over the years , my eating disorders have fluctuated from anorexia, restricting, bulimia, binging and purging , chewing my food but not to swallow and spit it out . I have self abused my self over 30 years now and it now has taken such a toll of my body . I have even spent time in some of the best clinics and although it works for awhile , my friend ED just comes back , when triggers hit . Although , I have had some great care in the past of physicians, I have also encountered those few who rather than try to help and take the time to understand-- there words such as one physician in Knoxville told me "YOU NEED TO STOP" .. I looked at her like .. YOU THINK... NO S***, Duh.... don't you think I want to stop, don't you think that individuals who have this disease crave food, want food, want to eat , it is the most self controlled thing a person can do is to avoid food when  the most natural thing is to eat .


My latest encounters with my eating disorder has come since hitting past the age of 40, what most people don't understand is that by being bulimic most gain weight , so my looks can be deceiving and this was confirmed by Dr. Adams. Upon our first meeting , I loved him , he reminds me of Phil from Duck dynasty, looks like him and has the same calming sweet and funny disposition, not once did he look at me and say " You need quit " You realize you are just hurting yourself " nope.. he spent over an hour with me learning about my past , my particular triggers with my parents who shun me and he patted me on the leg and said we will work through this together.. wow..


Yesterday on 12/22- Dr. Adams scheduled me for two scopes ( Ive been having upper GI scopes and Lower scopes since I was 28)  my upper scope revealed I have severe esophagitis and severe gastritis with my stomach not emptying like it should, so Dr. Adams took biopsies and we are awaiting those results. While , being rolled back to the OR , I took the opportunity to ask my nurse Melinda and Nurse Anesthesiologist Rob about Dr. Adams. Since I have spent several years in the OR it means a lot to me to know how the doctor I have chosen treats his staff. I asked them do they like working with him in the OR is he demanding or is he a teacher . They both said he is the most brilliant doctor they have worked with and he is a teacher doctor , that made me smile , I saw Dr Adams for a moment when he told me take some breaths and Good night Irene ...lol


An hour later , my husband and I were relaxing in some recliners and Dr. Adams comes in and plops himself into a recliner as well , with his biker boots and biker OR hat on ( you looked great ) he plops his one leg over the chair and just sits back . LOVE , the way he made my husband and I feel so relaxed like we were at home and he was  just kicking back . We made a plan of my care and Im going to try and follow his plan for me .


What Dr. Adams doesn't know , is the trigger I had prior to entering the hospital. I haven't had any contact with my father , since the last call he made to me telling me " Karen you hate Jehovah , you hate all Jehovahs Witnesses and I am through with you " ..


When Mark and I pulled in at the hospital , I saw two gentleman getting out of their car in their suits and ties. I told Mark " There is my dad" my dad saw Mark pull in but at the angle he didn't see me . As Mark was getting out of the truck my dad came around and said "hey buddy what are you doing here " Mark said : Im not , Karen has two procedures " I walked around the corner and dad was shocked to see me  especially since he was in the presence of another Jehovah Witness and an elder at that . I said Hi Dad, he just nodded his head and tearfully I walked into the surgical center. Just bewildered by what took place. My own father couldn't  nor wouldn't acknowledge me , give me hug or a smile instead he walked into the hospital to visit and comfort some other Jehovahs Witnesses who are ailing in the hospital, but his own daughter , his own flesh and blood he couldn't even ask what is going on , would you like for me to come and sit with Mark. It hurt ..


Some have asked why I blog , some say my words make me look pathetic, but what you don't see is that my blog is shared in the virtual world to many of thousands of other former JW's like me , more Karen's out there and the feedback that I have received is their thankfulness, that they are not alone .


My eating disorder , will always be with me , some days, months and years are better than others . This is another burden I am trying to give to Christ and not take back .Dr. Adams asked me to learn THE SERENITY PRAYER and Dr. Adams I read it each day along with my daily little talk with Jesus . I thank the Lord for leading me to a wonderful caring physician .


                                                         

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change; 
Courage to change the things I can; 
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world 
As it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right 
If I surrender to His Will; 
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life 
And supremely happy with Him 
Forever and ever in the next. 
Amen.

Read more: http://www.lords-prayer-words.com/famous_prayers/god_grant_me_the_serenity.html#ixzz3v9HeQEw8

HE BORE THE BITTER SO I COULD TASTE THE SWEET

                                                  

During this time of year, my mind continues to race constantly like a movie camera reel due to the holidays. Many doctrines that I was raised with as a Jehovah Witness seem to come to fruition for me during the holidays. For years, it seemed as when Nov 1^st came until January 2^nd, I would go into a seasonal depression ( per my doctor) although I  have came a LONG way , there just seems to be no escaping the memories , blogging has definitely  helped me  talk about issues but I don’t know if I will ever be brave enough to actually share them all but for today  my blog is about the CROSS.

As a child born and raised as a JW, you are taught early on , that the CROSS, is pagan. You will never find a cross hanging anywhere in a Kingdom Hall. As Jehovah’s Witnesses we were not allowed to have any crosses in our homes nor as ladies were we ever to wear any jewelry that was a cross or had a cross in it. I can remember meeting people in our knocking on doors ministry work, occasionally someone would answer their door and they may have a necklace around their neck or if we were invited inside their home, I can remember occasionally seeing homes decorated with crosses. What goes on in the mind of a 5, 10, 15, and 20 even a 25 year old girls mind when she would see a cross? As a very young child I can remember thinking “ oh my, these people are demonic , they are going to die at Armageddon because they have chosen Satan over Jehovah”  I was even scared of them, but as a I progressed in my teens, I still thought it was wrong for people to wear or have crosses BUT  I doubted they were demonic people , did I ever express those thoughts absolutely not , my parents would have had me before the committee of elders in heart beat thinking I was becoming an apostate early on in life.

As a Jehovah Witness child, I was taught to believe Christ did not die on a cross, he died on a TORTURE stake. A stake that sits upright. JW’s do not believe Jesus arms were outstretched and each hand nailed, they believe his hands were nailed upright above his head .If this was the case then only ONE nail would have been needed. After I was saved, I can remember re – reading this scripture in a new eye: John 20:25 says says,

"The other disciples therefore said unto him, 'We have seen the Lord. But he said to them, except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.'" I had read this scripture many times... but I finally saw it with new eyes, the word hands and nails were plural , not singular, meaning that Jesus had to have died on a CROSS. WOW! Actually , when you do research , the cross was used as a form of execution purposes , the two thieves who hung beside Jesus were also hung on crosses right beside him but JW’s believe the ‘cross’ is a pagan ( demonic ) symbol , it holds no value . Quite honestly, whether cross or stake, which I do firmly believe it was a cross, the most important thing is recognizing the blood he shed for you... for me.

We never used the term cross, even as child remember the old cliché  “Cross my heart “ well, we were never allowed to say such words.

Looking back, I firmly believe that Christ protected my heart as a child. He knew my circumstances and knew I could not--- nor would not be a rebellious child to my parents nor the religion , what I believe is he started showing me grace and mercy very young , he started tugging at my heart , that is why the doubts set in so young for me. It is through his mercy he allowed me to grow up and be an adult so I could make my own choice of whether I would follow him to the cross.

When my husband and I married 17 years ago, I remember a few times my parents wanted to come from TN to MD to visit their grandsons, my husband Mark before we had gotten married and had bought a beautiful cross that he had hanging in his home, now our home ( The picture below is of the cross he had hanging with our son Devon) , but before my parents would arrive I would always take the cross down. My husband mark didn’t say anything to me the 1^st time, nor the 2^nd visit they made to our home but by the 3^rd visit he said that’s ENOUGH THE CROSS STAYS HANGING... if your parents don’t like it they can leave...Oh my what was I to do, being a 30 plus old woman scared to death that my parents were going to see I have a cross hanging in my house, seriously I was scared of what.. My parent’s rejection, the shunning.
                                  

                                                               

I was just thinking as well, I have never owned a cross necklace... if anything I would want for Christmas on a material matter, I think it would be that, a cross necklace.

(Maybe one of my family members will read this  ...lol)

So today as I was cleaning, I did a double take of a cross that my husband bought last year ( picture below) I really hadn’t given this much thought until today... It made me think about what Jesus did for me with these two nails driven in his hands... HE BORE THE BITTER SO I COULD TASTE THE SWEET...
                                                       

                                               

Pining for an Earthly Fathers Love

Recently someone asked me about the Jehovah Witness beliefs. Do in fact Jehovah’s Witnesses refuse Blood Transfusions. The simple answer is YES. Jehovah’s Witnesses use the scriptures in Leviticus and the man who started the Jehovah Witness organization Charles Taz Russell’s words, the Bible prohibits eating blood therefore injecting blood into ones veins would be same as eating it. In general Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t want to die BUT they will make the ultimate sacrifice of death, even if it meant a blood transfusion could save them. They believe by being faithful to Jehovah and abstaining from a blood transfusion will make Jehovah’s heart happy that they would be dying as a witness to their faith and  an example to other witnesses  and have eternal life in Paradise.

This was always another belief that bothered me and I can remember being a teenager thinking , OMG , I hope I’m never at the hospital where I would need  a blood transfusion , because my parents would let me die . I’m sure they wouldn’t have wanted me to die and they would have tried to get the doctors to do everything but if it came down where the only alternative was to save my life was a blood transfusion my parents indeed would have followed the religion. If they would have chosen to have allowed me to have a transfusion they would have been excommunicated and shunned.  There are several JW’s who have allowed their children to die when a transfusion could have saved them.

What bothered me when I was younger , is that it made no sense to me , I would question myself.. Would Jehovah be that angry for saving our life with a transfusion? As we know in Biblical times breaking the Sabbath law was punishable by death but even the Pharisees broke the Sabbath law just to be humane to an animal if it needed water. Even Jesus broke the Sabbath to heal someone … so it just never set well with me.

Two years ago, my father who is a devout Jehovah Witness and does shun me, he was diagnosed with colo rectal cancer.  Now although, my parents shun me, I have always tried to honor them by taking care of specifically their medical needs. I feel as if that is what Christ would want and as a matter of fact that is what my parents who now shun me taught me ”to honor they mother and father” When my dad had his first major surgery to remove the tumor and have an ileostomy and colostomy bag, my father was at deaths door in the hospital. His blood levels were so low, they did not expect him to make it. I stayed with my father pretty much around the clock during those weeks with my mother. His Doctor came and talked to my mother and I how seriously low his levels were and they were encouraging a blood transfusion. Knowing my father’s beliefs, although I sure wanted to say YES GIVE HIM ONE... I did not, I told the doctor that we will just take him home, we understand the chance of death is high, but this is his belief and we will honor no transfusion. One particular night , around 2 am in the morning , my dad said these words “ Karen , I’m glad your mother and I never had any more children “ I began to think , what is he going to say next , are they glad they had no more children because I have been such a disappointment since I am no longer a witness? But he said these words “We couldn’t have asked for a better daughter to take care of us” During these weeks while he was in the hospital and even after he came home ( he had to have IV iron the pics are the day we brought him home )very few of his fellow Jehovahs Witnesses friends came to visit him, or check in  on my mother , go mow their grass etc. No it was their Apostate daughter at his bedside even bickering with the doctors NO BLOOD, it was my fathers Baptist son in law, my husband Mark , who was driving me there , it was this Baptist man of mine and my worldy sons and their worldy grandsons who were mowing their grass taking care of their home while my dad lay on deaths door ….  But I am the shunned one . 

                                                                       

I cherish those words that my dad told me that night ,  especially now, since my dad has made it very clear he is devoted to Jehovah and is threw with me. I can at least feel and know that I did do what was expected of me and I am a good daughter, my name is Karen your daughter not an apostate. But just for once I would love to hear my dad say in front of all Jehovah’s Witnesses, This is my daughter whom I am proud of and well pleased.  I love you daddy , just because you are my dad, why wont you love me for who I am , your daughter , not for what Im not a JW. But I do know my heavenly father tells me in

Matthew 3:17

¹⁷ And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

I like to add my name to that and I can hear Jesus say “ This is my beloved daughter Karen I am well pleased.”

 

Yesterday, Today and Forever/Who are Your neighbors

Hebrews 13:8
⁸ Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.


Such a simple statement and think about it. The Lord is the same yesterday , today and forever. There is no question , no confusion.


Growing up as  Jehovah Witness, there was always confusion , there beliefs change often. When they have a change of a certain belief they will announce in a publication that the have received "new light" from Jehovah through his organization of the Governing Body out of New York.


I can remember growing up and the Jehovahs Witnesses had predicted Armageddon was going to happen in 1975, my father went around telling everyone that his daughter ( me ) would never start school. Well, I am now 45, completed school , college,5 kids, and 2 grandkids. JW's believe that Christ had already returned and that the generation of 1914 would never pass away . Well if that's the case Armageddon should have already came and went because the generation of 1914 would be well over there 100's. Which now makes me pose the question and wonder what is their belief and meaning  of what is a generation?  And as I recall, the bible tells us we know not the day nor the hour that Christ will return , but JW's believe he has already returned.This example is just one of few confusing and ever changing beliefs of Jehovah Witnesses.


                                                          

A few weeks while at church the preacher who preached Pastor Rodney Ricketts said something that just put things into just real time for me . He said 2+2 was 4 yesterday , I think its still 4 today and I truly believe 2+2 will be 4 tomorrow correct .. well that's how that the Lord is what he said yesterday he means today and it will mean the same tomorrow. An analogy that just hit me like a tin of rocks. I am Thankful for Mercy Baptist Church and a Pastor such as Alan Lawson who preaches solid on Gods word as is , not waiting for "new light" and a wife Teresa who walks by his side and you have raised a beautiful daughter Ali who I have come to adore so much . . You all mean so much to me and The lord is working with me to be more faithful to the church .


I once had a conversation with my father and as I have mentioned before, if you are not grounded in your belief , do not ever get into a conversation with a JW , they will have you twisted like a pretzel in 13 seconds. Knowing this , I knew how I could speak with my father. I proposed this analogy: We know that when Noah built the arc it took him many years , he followed every direction that the Lord gave him on faith , without understanding what this supposed rain stuff was . But after 30 years of building this boat , what if  God said "You know what Noah, Ive got "new light"for you , instead of pine wood, Ive decided oak wood would be better, can you start over" Now, can you imagine the  confusion Noah would have had , perhaps  disheartened,  perhaps just wanting to quit...
                                                             

Which now brings me to my question Who are your neighbors? I have to say Mark and I have been blessed to have such wonderful neighbors. We have lived beside them the past 5 years Pastor Doug and Mary Sue Brown and Martha Startup.. When I thought how that God is the same today ,yesterday and forever I couldn't help but think of my neighbors.


My husband always taught our 4 boys "you always treat your girlfriend, fiance' wife like you would treat your mother . If you wouldn't grope your mother, don't grope your g/f or wife, if you wouldn't call your mother names don't call your g/f or wife names.


So over the past 5 years , I have watched my neighbors be consistent in their walk of life. Mary Sue is an educator at one of our private Christian Schools and Pastor Doug is a full time Pastor. Every morning , Im usually sitting outside very early trying to catch a good pic of the sunrise so I have been able to watch the Brown's walk. Usually Pastor Brown is also trying to catch that sunrise picture, then Mary Sue is heading out the door to start her day . Every morning for the past 5 years I have watched him help carry out Mary Sue's bags , coffee cup and give her a kiss every morning and I even hear them say I love you . Everyday , Pastor Brown is visiting the ill or dying or preparing for his services, Everyday we see him go to Ingles and pick up some diet coke and something for dinner. Every Wed and Sunday we see them preparing for church and the same goes for Mary Sue's sister Martha who lives right next door. She is a Physical Therapist , so every morning she is consistent with walking her dog Sophie and every after noon she carries over her plate to get some food for whatever Doug has made for that day . They all take care of Mrs. Brown ( Dougs mother who is up in age )  and they have a raised a God fearing young lady Bethany.  A few years ago , our community lost a couple of young boys in a lake accident , Ill never forget seeing Martha and Mary Sue out in the front yard embracing one another crying and praying.. Now they also give us many laughs, they are so busy that occasionally they lock them selves outside, lock their keys in their car, one time they went off and left and the back door was open we didn't know what had happened and we had called the police  because we didn't know if someone had broke in .. nope .. Martha had just forgot to close the door ..lol.. we get tickled at them every Spring because they start a beautiful garden but by the end of the season , well... its not as beautiful as it started ..lol..


My husband has always said "You can judge  a mans character when he thinks no one is looking" For My neighbors Pastor Brown , Mary Sue and Martha , your character has been judged and we couldn't have been blessed to have better neighbors. Teresa and Alan Ricketts your character has been judged when you haven't known Ive been watching. Continue  to pray for me , Mark and my family