Christmas: Presents vs Presence

                                                        

Merry Christmas Everyone:

What a beautiful  rainy day we had here in East Tn. I must say this has been the warmest holiday season I can remember having here, it being almost 70 degrees in December.

( Foreward)

***As, I have mentioned before, my blogging is a way for me to finally be able to release so many emotions and deal with my past head on. When my fingers hit the keys it’s as if a flood of words start rolling in my brain and my fingers just start tapping away. Recently, someone told me that they felt my blogs in their opinion shouldn’t be posted on social media , that my blogs , my words may bring triggers up to someone and they in turn have a bad day nor do they feel that I should be so open about my private life that things should be sacred. My blogs that I post are not only going to my personal FB page , but the particular audience that I address is that of former Jehovah Witnesses in several groups, outreach programs and other blog spots, FB is only one avenue that my blogs are posted . I have only had this one negative response to my blogs, I’m sure there may be others but I have only had this one that has been vocal. For years, I have had to keep things silent and for years I have been a prisoner in my own head, so forgive me, but if my blog, my words offend you, just please do not read them. On the flip side, I have been overwhelmed with so many positive remarks about my blogs, how that it has “shed light” how that “they can relate” “they are glad to know they are not alone “wow we didn’t know JW’s did that ““I look forward to your next blog”  ... when I prayed yesterday morning , I prayed in particular about my blog , I want to ensure my words are also giving honor and glory to Jesus who saved my soul and I want to make sure I always give him the credit that is due him and I feel that his is helping me to write my blogs ***

                                                           

Now onto Christmas…. I have touched base in previous post as to what a child’s life is like growing up as JW especially when it comes to the holidays. Of course, it wasn’t until I started school that I began to realize I was different. In grade school, I was not allowed to color pictures , do any type of Christmas craft , no Christmas parties ( my mom would always come pick me up early from school , if there was to be a party) no exchanging of gifts or drawing names, no participating in the Holiday school play or Chorus( to this day it is embarrassing to say , I truly don’t know the words to many of the Christmas songs) At our home, Christmas was just another ordinary day. I can remember being an early teen and one particular Christmas day it was so cold, we spent our Christmas morning going and knocking on doors. Even then, I can remember being embarrassed at best, to be interrupting people celebrating. Then we went home and we had bologna sandwiches for lunch. I went to my room and was looking out my window and I can recall seeing our neighbor’s homes. They were filled with multiple cars in their driveways, you could hear the laughter of people coming in an out with presents and bringing home made holiday dishes to celebrate, I remember how sad I was, just once, I wanted to be that girl next door. I wanted to know what it must be like to smile and have your cousins over and to eat turkey or ham with the whole family , it sure looked like fun and so much love, I can remember seeing people come and go and hug each other . It was never so much the thought of getting gifts- presents as it was the thought of being in presence with family and friends. How could that be so wrong? How could decorating a tree be so horrible that God would not like that?

You see, Jehovah’s Witnesses believe decorating a tree is a form of idol worshiping , now that I’m an adult and have the ability to be a free thinker, I’ve never known anyone that worshiped a tree.

                                                          

After Christmas was over and we would go back to school, I despised the first few days back. I knew everyone would be talking about how they spent their Christmas and sharing what kind of gifts they received and I knew I would be asked as well. As a JW child, you learn to develop a pretty tough outlook year after year and you are reminded that it’s just a form of persecution if you are made fun of for not celebrating the holidays. One year , my next door neighbor was taking me to school with her daughter ,I remember the conversation in the car , I think I was 11 or 12 . Her daughter was saying how much fun they had at church during Christmas and on and on went her fun filled story. I finally just wanted to be normal and I told her and her mom that they gave out candy canes at the Kingdom Hall ( I was shocked I had just told a big fat lie )  but it also felt good to say I got a candy cane . The next day, the mother of this girl asked my dad, she knowing we were JW’s and did not participate in holidays, and she told my dad what I had said about the Kingdom Hall giving out candy canes. My dad asked me if I said that. I can remember lying my butt off to my dad. I told him “No daddy I didn’t say that, Julie must have misunderstood” If I had told the truth, I would have been grounded, I would have been taken before the elders in the congregation and even at that age I would have been marked as not a good associate in the Kingdom Hall.

Fast forward to the now… my middle son Dakotah he has beautiful and sweet girlfriend Erica, she and her family have so many traditions they have during Christmas. Recently, Dakotah was asked by some in her family does his family have any holiday traditions. My son told me he had to explain... not really... and explain the whole JW ordeal. It made me sad to see what this religion not only has robbed me of but what I also started robbing my sons from at an early age.

                                                         

We are now, every year trying to find what our new normal is with the holidays and developing our own traditions and celebrating. Yesterday , Christmas Eve, we went to the movies, came home and started prepping for our Christmas dinner, I made several batches of cookies .Today , I spent cooking with my husband Mark, who has been my rock , for almost 18 years he has watched this mental battle , he has watched the shunning , he has watched my illness and he has never left my side . Mark and I had so much fun cooking together and then later I had my sons Devon and his wife Jessi, my son Dakotah , my son Dylan and his fiancé Katie over and we ate, exchanged gifts and most important of all was breaking the JW cycle for our grandson Raleigh. He is the apple of our eye, watching him and teaching him.I want Raleigh to feel the emotion of giving to others and so Raleigh and Pop went and delivered cookies and chocolates to our next door neighbors. I want my grandson to enjoy his presents , his gifts , but most importantly enjoy-- love and have memories of the presence of family on Christmas and although Dec 25^th may not be the actual date of Christ birth, we still want to recognize and celebrate Jesus. I want my grandson to know the love of his earthly family but also the love of his heavenly father Jesus and the importance as to why we celebrate Christmas. I think I am beginning to see the light at my tunnel and it sure feels good , I have been at the most peace I have ever felt and I thank you Jesus.

                                                              

As the evening has winded down, I stand at my tree, as my sons have told me “for someone who grew up not having a tree , mom you sure did a good job” that makes me smile. I stand and look at my tree, I have no desire to worship and kneel down to my tree, I only see the happiness and the peace I feel inside with this beautiful tree and it is a symbol of where I have came from and how much further I have to go and most importantly it makes me thankful for the birth of Christ .

Brilliant a tribute to Dr. Linas Adams; Eating Disorders

                                                              

As most people I have often heard , those of us in the medical field are the worse of patients. My husband Mark and I have just about the same physicians and our doctors always laugh saying Mark is there good patient and I am well.. their most challenging patient . I graduated in 1996 from Columbus Ga as a Surgical first Assist and since those years I have worked Labor and Delivery and spent countless hours in and out the Operating rooms assisting in various procedures. Its a love of surgery that's for sure. I have now spent almost 15 years working for an OPO out of DC recovering organs and tissues for transplants and so as a medical professional I do understand and realize the significance of diseases , however, it has been my own disease that has been my best friend and my worse enemy.


My ED, my eating disorder. There are a lot of myths out there regarding eating disorders. For me , it has never been about being skinny although there is always  little bit of thinking back in my mind. Since the age of 14 , I started with anorexia , it stemmed from being born into a religion and being made to be a part of with out question---- that I didn't ask for. At age 14, at the time I didn't realize it was depression and anxiety that was bestowed upon me , I just thought every 14 year old must be feeling this way . I wasn't allowed to have much control in my life as a Jehovah Witness , your every move and thought is dictated . The eating disorder was the only thing that I had--- that I had complete control over, what I put in and what I put out . Over the years , my eating disorders have fluctuated from anorexia, restricting, bulimia, binging and purging , chewing my food but not to swallow and spit it out . I have self abused my self over 30 years now and it now has taken such a toll of my body . I have even spent time in some of the best clinics and although it works for awhile , my friend ED just comes back , when triggers hit . Although , I have had some great care in the past of physicians, I have also encountered those few who rather than try to help and take the time to understand-- there words such as one physician in Knoxville told me "YOU NEED TO STOP" .. I looked at her like .. YOU THINK... NO S***, Duh.... don't you think I want to stop, don't you think that individuals who have this disease crave food, want food, want to eat , it is the most self controlled thing a person can do is to avoid food when  the most natural thing is to eat .


My latest encounters with my eating disorder has come since hitting past the age of 40, what most people don't understand is that by being bulimic most gain weight , so my looks can be deceiving and this was confirmed by Dr. Adams. Upon our first meeting , I loved him , he reminds me of Phil from Duck dynasty, looks like him and has the same calming sweet and funny disposition, not once did he look at me and say " You need quit " You realize you are just hurting yourself " nope.. he spent over an hour with me learning about my past , my particular triggers with my parents who shun me and he patted me on the leg and said we will work through this together.. wow..


Yesterday on 12/22- Dr. Adams scheduled me for two scopes ( Ive been having upper GI scopes and Lower scopes since I was 28)  my upper scope revealed I have severe esophagitis and severe gastritis with my stomach not emptying like it should, so Dr. Adams took biopsies and we are awaiting those results. While , being rolled back to the OR , I took the opportunity to ask my nurse Melinda and Nurse Anesthesiologist Rob about Dr. Adams. Since I have spent several years in the OR it means a lot to me to know how the doctor I have chosen treats his staff. I asked them do they like working with him in the OR is he demanding or is he a teacher . They both said he is the most brilliant doctor they have worked with and he is a teacher doctor , that made me smile , I saw Dr Adams for a moment when he told me take some breaths and Good night Irene ...lol


An hour later , my husband and I were relaxing in some recliners and Dr. Adams comes in and plops himself into a recliner as well , with his biker boots and biker OR hat on ( you looked great ) he plops his one leg over the chair and just sits back . LOVE , the way he made my husband and I feel so relaxed like we were at home and he was  just kicking back . We made a plan of my care and Im going to try and follow his plan for me .


What Dr. Adams doesn't know , is the trigger I had prior to entering the hospital. I haven't had any contact with my father , since the last call he made to me telling me " Karen you hate Jehovah , you hate all Jehovahs Witnesses and I am through with you " ..


When Mark and I pulled in at the hospital , I saw two gentleman getting out of their car in their suits and ties. I told Mark " There is my dad" my dad saw Mark pull in but at the angle he didn't see me . As Mark was getting out of the truck my dad came around and said "hey buddy what are you doing here " Mark said : Im not , Karen has two procedures " I walked around the corner and dad was shocked to see me  especially since he was in the presence of another Jehovah Witness and an elder at that . I said Hi Dad, he just nodded his head and tearfully I walked into the surgical center. Just bewildered by what took place. My own father couldn't  nor wouldn't acknowledge me , give me hug or a smile instead he walked into the hospital to visit and comfort some other Jehovahs Witnesses who are ailing in the hospital, but his own daughter , his own flesh and blood he couldn't even ask what is going on , would you like for me to come and sit with Mark. It hurt ..


Some have asked why I blog , some say my words make me look pathetic, but what you don't see is that my blog is shared in the virtual world to many of thousands of other former JW's like me , more Karen's out there and the feedback that I have received is their thankfulness, that they are not alone .


My eating disorder , will always be with me , some days, months and years are better than others . This is another burden I am trying to give to Christ and not take back .Dr. Adams asked me to learn THE SERENITY PRAYER and Dr. Adams I read it each day along with my daily little talk with Jesus . I thank the Lord for leading me to a wonderful caring physician .


                                                         

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change; 
Courage to change the things I can; 
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world 
As it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right 
If I surrender to His Will; 
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life 
And supremely happy with Him 
Forever and ever in the next. 
Amen.

Read more: http://www.lords-prayer-words.com/famous_prayers/god_grant_me_the_serenity.html#ixzz3v9HeQEw8

HE BORE THE BITTER SO I COULD TASTE THE SWEET

                                                  

During this time of year, my mind continues to race constantly like a movie camera reel due to the holidays. Many doctrines that I was raised with as a Jehovah Witness seem to come to fruition for me during the holidays. For years, it seemed as when Nov 1^st came until January 2^nd, I would go into a seasonal depression ( per my doctor) although I  have came a LONG way , there just seems to be no escaping the memories , blogging has definitely  helped me  talk about issues but I don’t know if I will ever be brave enough to actually share them all but for today  my blog is about the CROSS.

As a child born and raised as a JW, you are taught early on , that the CROSS, is pagan. You will never find a cross hanging anywhere in a Kingdom Hall. As Jehovah’s Witnesses we were not allowed to have any crosses in our homes nor as ladies were we ever to wear any jewelry that was a cross or had a cross in it. I can remember meeting people in our knocking on doors ministry work, occasionally someone would answer their door and they may have a necklace around their neck or if we were invited inside their home, I can remember occasionally seeing homes decorated with crosses. What goes on in the mind of a 5, 10, 15, and 20 even a 25 year old girls mind when she would see a cross? As a very young child I can remember thinking “ oh my, these people are demonic , they are going to die at Armageddon because they have chosen Satan over Jehovah”  I was even scared of them, but as a I progressed in my teens, I still thought it was wrong for people to wear or have crosses BUT  I doubted they were demonic people , did I ever express those thoughts absolutely not , my parents would have had me before the committee of elders in heart beat thinking I was becoming an apostate early on in life.

As a Jehovah Witness child, I was taught to believe Christ did not die on a cross, he died on a TORTURE stake. A stake that sits upright. JW’s do not believe Jesus arms were outstretched and each hand nailed, they believe his hands were nailed upright above his head .If this was the case then only ONE nail would have been needed. After I was saved, I can remember re – reading this scripture in a new eye: John 20:25 says says,

"The other disciples therefore said unto him, 'We have seen the Lord. But he said to them, except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.'" I had read this scripture many times... but I finally saw it with new eyes, the word hands and nails were plural , not singular, meaning that Jesus had to have died on a CROSS. WOW! Actually , when you do research , the cross was used as a form of execution purposes , the two thieves who hung beside Jesus were also hung on crosses right beside him but JW’s believe the ‘cross’ is a pagan ( demonic ) symbol , it holds no value . Quite honestly, whether cross or stake, which I do firmly believe it was a cross, the most important thing is recognizing the blood he shed for you... for me.

We never used the term cross, even as child remember the old cliché  “Cross my heart “ well, we were never allowed to say such words.

Looking back, I firmly believe that Christ protected my heart as a child. He knew my circumstances and knew I could not--- nor would not be a rebellious child to my parents nor the religion , what I believe is he started showing me grace and mercy very young , he started tugging at my heart , that is why the doubts set in so young for me. It is through his mercy he allowed me to grow up and be an adult so I could make my own choice of whether I would follow him to the cross.

When my husband and I married 17 years ago, I remember a few times my parents wanted to come from TN to MD to visit their grandsons, my husband Mark before we had gotten married and had bought a beautiful cross that he had hanging in his home, now our home ( The picture below is of the cross he had hanging with our son Devon) , but before my parents would arrive I would always take the cross down. My husband mark didn’t say anything to me the 1^st time, nor the 2^nd visit they made to our home but by the 3^rd visit he said that’s ENOUGH THE CROSS STAYS HANGING... if your parents don’t like it they can leave...Oh my what was I to do, being a 30 plus old woman scared to death that my parents were going to see I have a cross hanging in my house, seriously I was scared of what.. My parent’s rejection, the shunning.
                                  

                                                               

I was just thinking as well, I have never owned a cross necklace... if anything I would want for Christmas on a material matter, I think it would be that, a cross necklace.

(Maybe one of my family members will read this  ...lol)

So today as I was cleaning, I did a double take of a cross that my husband bought last year ( picture below) I really hadn’t given this much thought until today... It made me think about what Jesus did for me with these two nails driven in his hands... HE BORE THE BITTER SO I COULD TASTE THE SWEET...
                                                       

                                               

Pining for an Earthly Fathers Love

Recently someone asked me about the Jehovah Witness beliefs. Do in fact Jehovah’s Witnesses refuse Blood Transfusions. The simple answer is YES. Jehovah’s Witnesses use the scriptures in Leviticus and the man who started the Jehovah Witness organization Charles Taz Russell’s words, the Bible prohibits eating blood therefore injecting blood into ones veins would be same as eating it. In general Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t want to die BUT they will make the ultimate sacrifice of death, even if it meant a blood transfusion could save them. They believe by being faithful to Jehovah and abstaining from a blood transfusion will make Jehovah’s heart happy that they would be dying as a witness to their faith and  an example to other witnesses  and have eternal life in Paradise.

This was always another belief that bothered me and I can remember being a teenager thinking , OMG , I hope I’m never at the hospital where I would need  a blood transfusion , because my parents would let me die . I’m sure they wouldn’t have wanted me to die and they would have tried to get the doctors to do everything but if it came down where the only alternative was to save my life was a blood transfusion my parents indeed would have followed the religion. If they would have chosen to have allowed me to have a transfusion they would have been excommunicated and shunned.  There are several JW’s who have allowed their children to die when a transfusion could have saved them.

What bothered me when I was younger , is that it made no sense to me , I would question myself.. Would Jehovah be that angry for saving our life with a transfusion? As we know in Biblical times breaking the Sabbath law was punishable by death but even the Pharisees broke the Sabbath law just to be humane to an animal if it needed water. Even Jesus broke the Sabbath to heal someone … so it just never set well with me.

Two years ago, my father who is a devout Jehovah Witness and does shun me, he was diagnosed with colo rectal cancer.  Now although, my parents shun me, I have always tried to honor them by taking care of specifically their medical needs. I feel as if that is what Christ would want and as a matter of fact that is what my parents who now shun me taught me ”to honor they mother and father” When my dad had his first major surgery to remove the tumor and have an ileostomy and colostomy bag, my father was at deaths door in the hospital. His blood levels were so low, they did not expect him to make it. I stayed with my father pretty much around the clock during those weeks with my mother. His Doctor came and talked to my mother and I how seriously low his levels were and they were encouraging a blood transfusion. Knowing my father’s beliefs, although I sure wanted to say YES GIVE HIM ONE... I did not, I told the doctor that we will just take him home, we understand the chance of death is high, but this is his belief and we will honor no transfusion. One particular night , around 2 am in the morning , my dad said these words “ Karen , I’m glad your mother and I never had any more children “ I began to think , what is he going to say next , are they glad they had no more children because I have been such a disappointment since I am no longer a witness? But he said these words “We couldn’t have asked for a better daughter to take care of us” During these weeks while he was in the hospital and even after he came home ( he had to have IV iron the pics are the day we brought him home )very few of his fellow Jehovahs Witnesses friends came to visit him, or check in  on my mother , go mow their grass etc. No it was their Apostate daughter at his bedside even bickering with the doctors NO BLOOD, it was my fathers Baptist son in law, my husband Mark , who was driving me there , it was this Baptist man of mine and my worldy sons and their worldy grandsons who were mowing their grass taking care of their home while my dad lay on deaths door ….  But I am the shunned one . 

                                                                       

I cherish those words that my dad told me that night ,  especially now, since my dad has made it very clear he is devoted to Jehovah and is threw with me. I can at least feel and know that I did do what was expected of me and I am a good daughter, my name is Karen your daughter not an apostate. But just for once I would love to hear my dad say in front of all Jehovah’s Witnesses, This is my daughter whom I am proud of and well pleased.  I love you daddy , just because you are my dad, why wont you love me for who I am , your daughter , not for what Im not a JW. But I do know my heavenly father tells me in

Matthew 3:17

¹⁷ And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

I like to add my name to that and I can hear Jesus say “ This is my beloved daughter Karen I am well pleased.”

 

Yesterday, Today and Forever/Who are Your neighbors

Hebrews 13:8
⁸ Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.


Such a simple statement and think about it. The Lord is the same yesterday , today and forever. There is no question , no confusion.


Growing up as  Jehovah Witness, there was always confusion , there beliefs change often. When they have a change of a certain belief they will announce in a publication that the have received "new light" from Jehovah through his organization of the Governing Body out of New York.


I can remember growing up and the Jehovahs Witnesses had predicted Armageddon was going to happen in 1975, my father went around telling everyone that his daughter ( me ) would never start school. Well, I am now 45, completed school , college,5 kids, and 2 grandkids. JW's believe that Christ had already returned and that the generation of 1914 would never pass away . Well if that's the case Armageddon should have already came and went because the generation of 1914 would be well over there 100's. Which now makes me pose the question and wonder what is their belief and meaning  of what is a generation?  And as I recall, the bible tells us we know not the day nor the hour that Christ will return , but JW's believe he has already returned.This example is just one of few confusing and ever changing beliefs of Jehovah Witnesses.


                                                          

A few weeks while at church the preacher who preached Pastor Rodney Ricketts said something that just put things into just real time for me . He said 2+2 was 4 yesterday , I think its still 4 today and I truly believe 2+2 will be 4 tomorrow correct .. well that's how that the Lord is what he said yesterday he means today and it will mean the same tomorrow. An analogy that just hit me like a tin of rocks. I am Thankful for Mercy Baptist Church and a Pastor such as Alan Lawson who preaches solid on Gods word as is , not waiting for "new light" and a wife Teresa who walks by his side and you have raised a beautiful daughter Ali who I have come to adore so much . . You all mean so much to me and The lord is working with me to be more faithful to the church .


I once had a conversation with my father and as I have mentioned before, if you are not grounded in your belief , do not ever get into a conversation with a JW , they will have you twisted like a pretzel in 13 seconds. Knowing this , I knew how I could speak with my father. I proposed this analogy: We know that when Noah built the arc it took him many years , he followed every direction that the Lord gave him on faith , without understanding what this supposed rain stuff was . But after 30 years of building this boat , what if  God said "You know what Noah, Ive got "new light"for you , instead of pine wood, Ive decided oak wood would be better, can you start over" Now, can you imagine the  confusion Noah would have had , perhaps  disheartened,  perhaps just wanting to quit...
                                                             

Which now brings me to my question Who are your neighbors? I have to say Mark and I have been blessed to have such wonderful neighbors. We have lived beside them the past 5 years Pastor Doug and Mary Sue Brown and Martha Startup.. When I thought how that God is the same today ,yesterday and forever I couldn't help but think of my neighbors.


My husband always taught our 4 boys "you always treat your girlfriend, fiance' wife like you would treat your mother . If you wouldn't grope your mother, don't grope your g/f or wife, if you wouldn't call your mother names don't call your g/f or wife names.


So over the past 5 years , I have watched my neighbors be consistent in their walk of life. Mary Sue is an educator at one of our private Christian Schools and Pastor Doug is a full time Pastor. Every morning , Im usually sitting outside very early trying to catch a good pic of the sunrise so I have been able to watch the Brown's walk. Usually Pastor Brown is also trying to catch that sunrise picture, then Mary Sue is heading out the door to start her day . Every morning for the past 5 years I have watched him help carry out Mary Sue's bags , coffee cup and give her a kiss every morning and I even hear them say I love you . Everyday , Pastor Brown is visiting the ill or dying or preparing for his services, Everyday we see him go to Ingles and pick up some diet coke and something for dinner. Every Wed and Sunday we see them preparing for church and the same goes for Mary Sue's sister Martha who lives right next door. She is a Physical Therapist , so every morning she is consistent with walking her dog Sophie and every after noon she carries over her plate to get some food for whatever Doug has made for that day . They all take care of Mrs. Brown ( Dougs mother who is up in age )  and they have a raised a God fearing young lady Bethany.  A few years ago , our community lost a couple of young boys in a lake accident , Ill never forget seeing Martha and Mary Sue out in the front yard embracing one another crying and praying.. Now they also give us many laughs, they are so busy that occasionally they lock them selves outside, lock their keys in their car, one time they went off and left and the back door was open we didn't know what had happened and we had called the police  because we didn't know if someone had broke in .. nope .. Martha had just forgot to close the door ..lol.. we get tickled at them every Spring because they start a beautiful garden but by the end of the season , well... its not as beautiful as it started ..lol..


My husband has always said "You can judge  a mans character when he thinks no one is looking" For My neighbors Pastor Brown , Mary Sue and Martha , your character has been judged and we couldn't have been blessed to have better neighbors. Teresa and Alan Ricketts your character has been judged when you haven't known Ive been watching. Continue  to pray for me , Mark and my family

De'Javu, Devon and Jessi, Janice Messer, Mr. Bill Henderson Mr. Lloyd and Christmas.

Two weeks ago my now 26 year old son Devon and his wife Jessi  had to face a similar experience I had with my parents about 15 years ago . I called it my De'javu  moment;;;

Since the birth of my grandson Raleigh , my son and his wife have allowed my parents , to babysit Raleigh once or twice a week. This is their great grandchild , of course they are thrilled and happy and they do love him so much .

About 15 years ago , while in the strong midst of my parents shunning me , they had called me in Maryland and wanted to know if they could have the boys , my sons Devon Cody and Dylan for two weeks during the summer. Although my parents shunned me, I wanted my boys to know and have some memories of  their grandparents even though they were staunch Jehovah Witnesses. I told my parents yes they can come, but my only rule was ..they could not take the boys to the Kingdom Hall, nor talk religion with them. I felt this was my parental decision. Other than that , they could take them fishing , to the park etc..have a great time with them. So , my husband and I drove the 8 hours down to Tn to drop them off , we turned around and drove the 8 hours back as soon as we pulled in the driveway at 10 pm, my son Devon who was 12 and the time called me and whispered in the phone "momma, nanny took us to JC Penney's to get us suits and ties and Papaw says while we are here in his house we will attend the Kingdom Hall" so ...my husband and I turned around and drove another 8 hours back and I knocked on my parents door at 7 am and took my sons back home . I tried to reason with them, these were my sons and all I wanted was no discussion of religion. I even reasoned with them "you would never have allowed my grandparents to take me to a Baptist church would you ? so Im their mother and Im not allowing them to the Kingdom Hall.

Fast Forwarding to last week , my son Devon had got wind that my parents are teaching Raleigh to pray . Devon and Jessi have no problem with prayer, They indeed are teaching Raleigh about the love of Christ. Im so proud of my son and daughter in law for going over and facing my parents, his grandparents . They asked my parents do they pray with Raleigh, they said yes, they asked specifically what they pray about and do they just say God or Jesus. My dad staunchly stated they use and are teaching him  the name Jehovah. ( This normally wouldn't be an issue , but you have to understand that JW's do not believe in the trinity , so therefore they don't commonly use Christ name in prayer just Jehovah) Devon and Jessi , faced the same issue that Mark and I faced 15 years ago , so Devon and Jessi had to inform them that Raleigh could no longer come to their home if they could not abide by the simple rule of just not using the name Jehovah.


So now we are looking forward to Christmas, I still struggle with actually celebrating Christmas, its just sad but I am working really really hard at making new memories.

Actually, Ive only had two trees in my entire life. As a born and raised 2nd generation Jehovah Witness growing up , this was one of many holidays we didn’t celebrate. I formerly disassociated myself as a JW back in 1998 and although I left the religion , still certain things that were taught as a child carried through the years. A few years ago our sons Devon, Dakotah , Dylan and Ben decided they were going to get a tree and surprise me . Well that they did, I walked into our home in Maryland and there stood the most ugliest prettiest tree I had ever seen. You see, since the boys weren’t raised with a tree, they weren’t quite sure how to put it up or decorate it. It was lop sided and the ornaments were not hung with hooks but placed instead with the eye of ornament sticking in the limbs. But there it stood, the most gorgeous first Christmas tree ever. Smiles.
Firstly I must stress that I absolutely hold out anyone’s right to their own beliefs and opinions; but when the practice of such directly causes mental anguish to family and friends then it is time to investigate and expose such practices. People who are termed ex jw’s are often perceived as bitter, twisted individuals with an ax to grind or they have a mental disease. I am appreciative of the fact that my parents raised me in believing in God, creation, morals, values , in the end isn’t that what all of us parents should be teaching .

This is the point where my life is now. I have come to the realization over the past year that the religion that I grew up in will continue to have an effect on me for the rest of my days. There is no escaping it. 
This is the paradox facing anyone with friends and family in the Watchtower organization; until they have left they cannot see the fallacy of it. But not until they have seen the fallacy of it can they leave. A vicious circle. Jehovah’s Witnesses are so convinced of the correctness and divinity of their own doctrine, that they cannot tolerate any other opinion. Thus those still within the Watchtower mostly shun their non-witness family in the hope that such shunning will bring their non-Witness family into "the truth". I have shunned people and now I am shunned.
Although I have not set foot inside a Kingdom Hall in over a decade, for many years after leaving I was in constant self-doubt. I worried myself sick sometimes over my imminent demise through my leaving "the one true faith".
At the time I got baptized I thought I was doing the right thing. But as any informed person will know, a 14year-old raised in "the Truth" knows nothing, absolutely nothing about life to make a decision of the nature and magnitude required at baptism. Once you become baptized as JW, you are held accountable to everything. At 14 , I wasn’t even old enough to have drivers license, buy a pack of cigarettes, alcohol, see and R rated movie, but I was expected to make a VOW , that I truly did not understand that would effect the rest of my life how that mere humans so called friends would view me . My thoughts upon seeing this usually are: "If only I knew then what I know now!"
Imagine the trauma of a child at the impressionable age of 5 and for a decade thereafter being denied what everyone else took for granted! My school memories are all pretty sad. I achieved reasonable grades but socially I was a wreck. It took me many years after leaving school in the working world just to interact with normal people on a daily basis.
Whenever any social activity was going on I was always left out. "It’s a waste of time asking her!" they would say. "SHe’s not allowed to do anything." So in the end I had no Friends.Sure, I had school mates that were friendly but I wasn’t allowed to do anything with them outside of school. I had to console myself with the thought that "I was making Jehovah’s heart glad" by not associating with these "worldly people". The most dreadful time of year was going back to school after the Christmas holidays. Everyone would be describing or showing the gifts they received from their friends and family. A good year was if they left me alone. Then I would sit and feel sorry that I didn't get any Christmas presents. But kids being kids I was invariably the object of ridicule , Because I was different.One year, I just decided that I would lie, when went back to school, I made up all sorts of stuff I got for Christmas, I couldn’t say I got new clothes because they were the same as I had worn before Christmas School for most of the time was a constant worry. Every day I just wanted to be normal. Not different. My religion would try to portray my contemporaries as evil. Doing evil things in Satan's world. In point of fact most teenagers in the 80's I recollect now that very few of the people I went to school with were immoral, mindless, drug abusing, drinking, evil people. Apart from the one or two idiots, (and every school had them), most of us were pretty much the same. Except me! I stuck out like a sore thumb. Usually in conversations I would spot trends that might lead to ridicule of me and I quickly became adept at diverting attention to something else. But the determined amongst my peers would find reason to ridicule. Naturally, my parents had no clue of what went on, So long as I obeyed their rules and kept out of trouble that was the main concern. Thank goodness, for such teachers as Mr. Henderson and Mr. Lloyd , I think felt pity for me that they tried to make things a little normal.. Even when I see Mr. Henderson today , he knows who I am . He will never know what solace he brought to me in school.
As I write this I try to tell myself that because it is some 10 to 20 years since this happened it no longer matters. But it does, because the hurt will never go away. Yes certainly the pain recedes with time and I don’t spend every waking moment consumed with bitterness, but I can never go back and reclaim these times. My childhood was destroyed in the name of a religion and nothing I can do now and no matter how I feel will change this.
I suppose what makes it slightly easier to bear now is that I have seen the Watchtower Religion for what it is; .
The truth as they saw it had no gray areas. If it was printed in the Watchtower, IT WAS LAW.
Witnesses and everything they stand for.
The regimented life we led as a family bore no resemblance to my school friends. Meetings, field service and family study. 1981 through to 1987 were just routine based around what the Watchtower wanted. I kept telling myself that it was not right to feel the way I did. Why did I have to be the one unlucky enough to be being raised as a JW? But what else was there. You were raised to believe that it was worth all the short term suffering for the wonderful future. My parents kept telling me they knew how I felt. How could they? They were never raised in the truth. They had all the benefits of a normal contemporary childhood. They went into it as grown adults.
It was only after I left in 1998 and a nurse I worked with Janice Messer kept witnessing to me , I had never been in a church before, only a Kingdom Hall. She kept inviting me to her church and although I felt I was being led to go I didn’t for fear, I was taught to never go in a church, they don’t use their Bible and they do not know the name Jehovah. One evening at work while the shift was slow in Labor and Delivery , Janice said to me “ Ok Karen, lets pretend for one moment there isn’t a hell as you believe , then if you died right now , you wouldn’t have to worry about anything , is that correct “ I said “Yes” She said “ok, now lets just pretend there is a hell, and my friend the Bible does teach of hell, if you my friend have not asked the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior and forgiveness and submit to him, then my friend you have everything to be worried about.” I was in conviction, I could not sleep or eat and finally I told Janice I would go to church with her.That Sunday I stood outside that church door, trembling crying as Janice tried to console me that everything was going to be ok. I think thought little demons were going to spew off the wall and I just knew I would lose Jehovahs favor . But I walked in and the most calm I had ever felt in my life came over me , and I saw happy people, I saw people with their Bibles and while the pastor was preaching and using his Bible he said Jehovah “ What my ears perked up, you know Psalms 83:18 , wow, you know Gods name as Jehovah” That week in May of 1998 , I surrendered and gave my life and salvation was given and I know I am a Child of the king. I finally started to get my mind back together. Professional help was needed along the way.
So now I just carry on. Doing normal things, like normal people. And it does get better. I have my fair share of everyday problems but unlike the mind slaves of the Watchtower I face them on my own terms. One of the very unfortunate side effects of leaving the Watchtower is that I have a hard time with finding a home church for fear. Yet, there are some very decent committed people out there trying to make life better for everyone using the message of Christ. I hope one day that my fears will subside.Maybe next year my husband told me that the cycle will be broken with the birth of our first grandchild. Next year he said, you can live vicariously through Raleigh , you can break the cycle and maybe feel normal to have a tree…. Maybe …just Maybe..
Writing this , I am sitting here trying to decide to post or not,scared, knowing that if certain people read this I will be shunned more, possibly by my parents. I love my parents more than they know and feel I proven to be a daughter that has taken care of them regardless of what their religion tells them to treat me.And I will continue being that daughter . My parents taught me honor them and respect them and I think I have done so. But I also know the power of the religion, unfortunately , it hold more power than I .

Knock Knock.... its me Karen

Knock, Knock… I’m sure many have received that knock on their door to peer out your window and see that the man standing in the suit and tie and the woman in her conservative dress with their book bags in hand, you realize they are Jehovah Witnesses standing at your door .There are ones who dread seeing them come, there are those who will open their door and politely sheww the JW away, there are those who look at JW’s with deep regard that they are diligent in their door to door ministry. I have even heard many times “ at least they do practice knocking on doors” For me, I don’t have much respect for this at all, you would have had to grow up in a very devout JW home to understand why now , I find that lying to people at their door regarding Jesus Christ is appalling to me.

When one thinks of a cult… often comes to mind Jim Jones back in the 70s’ or David Koresh or even more now we hear about Scientology. A cult is anything or anyone who continues to control your thoughts, actions and feelings. Growing up as a Jehovah Witness  I can remember being young and when I would be told at someone’s door ,I  had just knocked on ,that we “I” was part of a cult , it angered me , I would want to fight words to defend my belief as a JW. I was young, this was what I was born into, a belief I did not ask to be a part of, but a belief that I had to partake of.

Let me walk you through a day or week in the life of an active JW; As for me my dad was an elder (an elder is the equivalent of a pastor but JW’s have more than one elder per Kingdom Hall), I was an only child and my mother was a pioneer (A pioneer is someone who knocks on peoples doors between 30 and 60 hours a month ad yes time is counted). We attended the Kingdom Hall on Tuesday nights from 7p-8 pm for what they call the congregation “book study”, these book studies were smaller meetings of with fewer JW’s spread out the community that night. There would be an elder who would conduct the study session. Paragraphs from the publication would be read and a question would be asked and individual JW’s will raise their hand to comment on the question. Now, when we are real little like under the age of 5, we are taught to raise our hand and we are given little comments to say like Jehovah, Paradise etc... As you start progressing in age, you are encouraged to give longer answers in your own words not read from the paragraph. As a teen ager, if I had not prepared my study lesson and not given a comment, I was grounded.

Thursday nights, we attended the Kingdom Hall from 7p-9 pm- During this time we would have the “Theocratic Ministry School” where we are taught how to talk to you at your door. We perform different skits pretending not to be a JW and the other person is taught what to say and we are actual GRADED on our performance. During this time as well and elder may give a small 20 minute “sermon” as JW’s they are not called sermons they are called “Talks” , the Talk may be on a congregation need perhaps, not gossiping or being in time at the meeting, encouraging prayer , etc..

Saturday mornings were always spent in the door to door ministry. I can remember be a child and teen ager and just wanting for one day to sleep in and perhaps to just watch cartoons, but nope, I was out in my dress knocking on your door. For my family, not only was it Saturdays we spent knocking on doors but it was anytime, I had off from school, so my summer vacations were always knocking on doors.

Sundays we attended the Kingdom Hall for 2 hours from 10 -12, the first hour being a Public Talk from an elder and the 2^nd hour what we called the Watchtower Study, similar to the Book study as I described.

If you are a devout Witness as in my case, your days are always counted for, to leave little room for you to be in contact with the outside world. While in school, you are taught to be nice and can be friendly, but that is far as it goes, you can’t become actual friends where you get to do things with that person such as sleep overs etc.

During the year, JW’s have 3 bigger meetings called assemblies, conventions, Special Days. This is where we will meet in a bigger city at a convention center for 1-2 days all day long, listening to different elders giving talks. I can remember our vacations were always the conventions in the summer, never did we actually take a vacation to the beach etc.

When you live a life that is so controlled with what you wear, read, can’t do, can do that the power to think on your own or question anything, then that is a cult.  Questioning the organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses, even including questioning my parents undermined my mental programming as doubts crept in.

When you do decide to leave as in my case at almost 30 years old. It is the scariest thing to ever go through. The life you had , you know will never be the same , but you know you can’t live this life anymore  but you’re scared, I was in fear of not having any support  system, the only friends I had ever known now would shun me . Even now 17 years later, the shunning still triggers , let me make this clear, shunning me does not make me at all ever want to return to an organization  that teaches such a thing, the trigger is only that I still can’t understand how anyone who claims to be a Christian , how they could not even utter hello to someone.

There are two types of groups that are shunned in the JW organization: "disfellowship" and "disassociated".  Disfellowshipping is what Jehovah's Witnesses appropriately call the expelling and subsequent shunning of an unrepentant wrongdoer you could be disfellowshipped for multiple reasons, smoking a cigarette, saluting the flag, reading other literature from another church , associating with non JW’s the list is numerous.

Disassociated is someone who has rejected Jehovah and are called apostates. They are called "mentally diseased." They seek to infect others with their teachings... I am in this category.

The punishment of shunning the individual applies forever, or until the individual goes through a grueling few months or year of attending meetings still being shunned and the congregation of elders formally reinstates the person.

One of my biggest questions also growing up was the fact that Jehovah’s Witnesses only believe 144,000 individuals will go to heaven. Every Spring around Easter, Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate the death of Jesus and only if you are one of those 144,000 people who will go to heaven only that individual can partake of the unleavened bread and wine. … So over the years The Governing Body of Elders from New York would send out the statistics of how many partook in the previous year of the bread and wine. I started noticing that one year maybe only 18,000 partook, the next year maybe 20, 000 people partook. I questioned to myself shouldn’t the numbers be going down as these individuals die off, rather than go up. I remember thinking a silly thought to myself “I thought what is happening is a little old man and woman JW at a nursing home stealing and extra piece of pie so they get knocked out of going to heaven so now someone has taken their place… it just made no sense… still makes no sense...

For any individuals who know of someone who is trying to break free from being a JW, you have to understand coming out of this organization is mentally and emotionally draining. It still is for me all these years later .There is a whole bag of negative feelings including fear, bitterness, despair, anger, sadness, loneliness, rejection and depression. Prayer is also very important. Today, I pray for wisdom and a receptive heart. I have to continue to remind myself my name is Karen no apsostate.

 

 

Leave the Past and Live for the Future...141 things JW's cant do

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday with their families.  As a former Jehovah Witness, although I have been out and shunned now for 17 years , holidays are still the hardest. It is like a Holiday Seasonal Depression. I recently saw a post that said "If you don't leave your past in the past it will destroy your future, Live for what today has to offer not what yesterday has taken away" Words so ,so true, but yet so, so hard , when anyone has a past that has scarred them so much emotionally and psychologically . The individuals who say "Leave the past alone, get over it .." these are the individuals who most likely  had a good stable relationship with their parents. They most likely have memories of their parents at holidays , birthdays and even may have some wonderful memories of going to church together. I am learning  through blogging and help--- I am learning how to not keep letting my past define me . Its kind of like when a soldier goes off to war and they see all the blood shed etc, or a person who has been physically abused or tortured, they have trauma from that , they want to let go of those memories because they hurt so bad, but the inner conscience will bring triggers back up . So in my case, oh my , don't I want to just forget about everything absolutely, what I am learning is that my past of being a Jehovah Witness will always be my shadow, but I don't have to let that shadow control my actions and reactions. Another former JW , made a list of 141 things that Jehovah Witnesses aren't allowed to do .. now this is just 141 things he came up with. Now within, Jehovah Witness individual families , there are even more rules and things you cant do. Now, for one moment , those individuals who make the statement "it your past get over it " try for one moment living 30 years with having to try and remember every one of these rules  and in my case I can remember our own family rules along with these 141 . I coudnt watch Casper , Scooby Doo, The Wizard of Oz, even when ET came out in the 80's I was not allowed to view that .No concerts, no posters on your wall of celebrities that was considered idol worshiping. I was taught to fear everything . Even my blogs, Im In fear of my parents , getting hold of these blogs and reading them , for fear of being called more names , but this is a way for me to let go and stand on my own and live for what I have now and be thankful for the life I do have. Its only been the past three years that I have even put up a Christmas Tree, last week when I put up my tree, most people like to decorate it by listening to Christmas music. I cant .. it makes me sad , it makes me think back growing up while others were enjoying family time and eating turkey , I was out knocking on your door and then went home and had a bologna sandwich. This year I decorated while listening to some 80's music ..smiles.. I avoid the stores as much as possible this time of year due to the Christmas Music , it makes me sad and to be quite honest , I don't know the words to the songs . This year, I have decided , I am going to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special with my Grand son Raleigh and make a new memory . I will not let my past define me, I will let the Lord guide me and take my burdens , I will let those individuals that love me , love me and I in return will do the same . Here is the list of 141 things JW's cant do : Take a gander and think for yourself if you would be able to remember and abide by all these things and most not truly understanding the why and you are never allowed to question it , one day at a time Im trying to break the chains.

141 Things Jehovah Witnesses Can’t Do

141 Rules. Things Jehovah’s Witnesses Can’t Do.

1.Belong to another organization or club for the purpose of socializing with nonbelievers.
2.Have best friends and activity buddies who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses.
3.Associate with people outside their organization when it is not necessary.
4.Attend social functions sponsored by their employer unless attendance is required
5.Associate with coworkers after business hours in a social settings
6.Disagree with their organization’s rules and code of conduct.
7.Disagree with their organization’s doctrines.
8.Contribute to the Presidential Campaign Fund on their tax return
9.Join the armed forces and defend their country
10.Say the Pledge of Allegiance
11.Salute the flag
12.Vote
13.Run for leadership in their organization. (JW’s are ‘appointed’ and invited to be leaders.)
14.Run for leadership in any organization 15.Take a stand for any political issue inside their organization
16.Take a stand on any political or ‘worldly’ issue outside of their organization
17.Campaign for a political candidate
18.Hold political office
19.Discuss politics
20.Be a union steward or shop steward
21.Actively be involved in a union strike
22.Use a gun for protection against humans
23.Become a police officer if a gun is required
24.Wear military uniforms or clothing associated with war
25.Take yoga classes and practice the discipline of yoga.
26.Smoke tobacco and cigars 27.Work full time selling tobacco and cigars
28.Attend Alcoholics Anonymous
29.Donate blood
30.Have blood transfusions
31.Read books, magazines, publications, and literature from other religions.
32.Buy anything from a church store
33.Buy something at a church garage sale
34.Donate items to a church run store
35.Shop at the Salvation Army
36.Work for the Salvation Army
37.Work for another church
38.Play competitive sports on a school team
39.Play competitive sports professionally
40.Run for class president
41.Become a cheerleader
42.Go to the school prom or school dance.
43.Attend class reunions
44.Be hypnotized
45.Accept Jesus as their mediator
46.Join the Boy Scouts
47.Join the Girl Guides
48.Join the YMCA
49.Serve on jury duty
50.Study psychology, philosophy, sociology, and viewpoints that might shake their faith
51.Attend other Christian churches
52.Attend nondenominational churches
53.Attend non Christian churches
54.Get married in another church
55.Dating non believers is discouraged
56.Casual dating is discouraged
57.Dating someone without the intent of getting married
58.Having sex before marriage
59.Breaking an engagement, separation, and ‘unscriptural’ divorce may result in disciplinary action
60.Marriage to non believers is not recommended
61.Be gay or lesbian. Homosexuality is not acceptable.
62.Throw rice at a wedding
63.Get divorced unless the reason is adultery
64.Can’t remarry unless their ex commits fornication first
65.Toast drinks
66.Buy a raffle ticket
67.Play bingo
68.Gamble
69.Sing any holiday songs
70.Sing the National Anthem.
71.Celebrate Christmas – Why?
72.Celebrate New Years Eve – Why?
73.Celebrate Easter – Why?
74.Celebrate Mother’s Day – Why?
75.Celebrate Father’s Day
76.Celebrate birthdays – Why?
77.Celebrate Thanksgiving
78.Celebrate Flag Day
79.Celebrate Veteran’s Day
80.Celebrate Independence Day. Why?
81.Celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day
82.Celebrate Valentine’s Day
83.Celebrate Halloween – Why?
84.Celebrate Hanukkah
85.Accept holiday gifts – Why?
86.Celebrate any holiday except the death of Jesus – Why?
87.Partake in the bread and wine that represents Christ unless they are part of the 144,000
88.Make holiday artwork for school
89.Engage in holiday parties at school
90.Take on a leadership role in school
91.Porneia
92.Do suggestive and immodest dancing in a public place
93.Attend a class, workshop, or seminar, sponsored by another church 94.Attend social events or fund raisers sponsored by another church
95.Use of bad language (curse words) is discouraged
96.Wear blue jeans, shorts, and overly casual clothing at the Kingdom Hall. See Dress Code
97.Wear pants at a Kingdom Hall if you’re a woman
98.Wear revealing clothes or skirts that are too short (looked down upon)
99.Wear long hair or facial hair if you’re a man (depends on the local customs of the country you live in)
100.Body piercing are discouraged
101.Tattoos are discouraged
102.State or imply that the Watchtower is not run by Jehovah God.
103.Have discussions and express Bible based viewpoints that contradict the organization’s beliefs
104.Say anything negative about their organization. JW’s must ‘speak in agreement’ and be ‘like-minded’.
105.Consider other religious beliefs as valid and truthful.
106.Acknowledge any prayer spoken by a non believer as valid
107.Take another Jehovah’s Witness to court (with exceptions)
108.Wear or own a cross
109.Own any religious picture
110.Own any religious statue
111.Engage in idolatry
112.Believe in miracles (except those found in the Bible)
113.Believe in ghosts
114.Witchcraft
115.Black magic
116.White magic
117.Consult with a psychic or become one
118.Study tarot cards, get a reading or give a reading
119.Study numerology or get a reading
120.Dabble in ESP (extrasensory perception), dowsing, or divination
121.Use a tool such as a pendulum to access information from the spiritual realm
122.Attempt to communicate with departed spirits.
123.Attend a seance
124.Believe in good luck or say things such as ‘Good luck to you’. Why?
125.Believe or say anything superstitious
126.Prophesy
127.Speaking in tongues
128.Laying on of hands
129.Energy healing such as Reiki
130.Read their horoscope
131.Study astrology or zodiac signs
132.Combat training, boxing, or martial arts
133.Go to heaven unless they are part of the 144,000
134.Worship Jesus as God
135.Idolize any celebrity or love and admire them to excess
136.Women can’t be elders
137.Women can’t be ministerial servants (assistants to the elders)
138.Divulge secret information to enemies and those not entitled to know.
139.Greet or talk with disfellowshipped persons (with some exceptions)
140.Associate with disfellowshipped persons except for immediate family living in the same house
141.Keep secrets from the organization. Jehovah’s Witnesses report friends and family members breaking the rules