Merry Christmas Everyone:
What a beautiful rainy day we had here in East Tn. I must say
this has been the warmest holiday season I can remember having here, it being
almost 70 degrees in December.
( Foreward)
***As, I have mentioned before, my blogging is a way for me
to finally be able to release so many emotions and deal with my past head on. When
my fingers hit the keys it’s as if a flood of words start rolling in my brain
and my fingers just start tapping away. Recently, someone told me that they
felt my blogs in their opinion shouldn’t be posted on social media , that my
blogs , my words may bring triggers up to someone and they in turn have a bad
day nor do they feel that I should be so open about my private life that things
should be sacred. My blogs that I post are not only going to my personal FB
page , but the particular audience that I address is that of former Jehovah
Witnesses in several groups, outreach programs and other blog spots, FB is only
one avenue that my blogs are posted . I have only had this one negative
response to my blogs, I’m sure there may be others but I have only had this one
that has been vocal. For years, I have had to keep things silent and for years
I have been a prisoner in my own head, so forgive me, but if my blog, my words
offend you, just please do not read them. On the flip side, I have been
overwhelmed with so many positive remarks about my blogs, how that it has “shed
light” how that “they can relate” “they are glad to know they are not alone “wow
we didn’t know JW’s did that ““I look forward to your next blog” ... when I prayed yesterday morning , I
prayed in particular about my blog , I want to ensure my words are also giving
honor and glory to Jesus who saved my soul and I want to make sure I always
give him the credit that is due him and I feel that his is helping me to write
my blogs ***
Now onto Christmas…. I have touched base in previous post as
to what a child’s life is like growing up as JW especially when it comes to the
holidays. Of course, it wasn’t until I started school that I began to realize I
was different. In grade school, I was not allowed to color pictures , do any
type of Christmas craft , no Christmas parties ( my mom would always come pick
me up early from school , if there was to be a party) no exchanging of gifts or
drawing names, no participating in the Holiday school play or Chorus( to this
day it is embarrassing to say , I truly don’t know the words to many of the
Christmas songs) At our home, Christmas was just another ordinary day. I can
remember being an early teen and one particular Christmas day it was so cold,
we spent our Christmas morning going and knocking on doors. Even then, I can
remember being embarrassed at best, to be interrupting people celebrating. Then
we went home and we had bologna sandwiches for lunch. I went to my room and was
looking out my window and I can recall seeing our neighbor’s homes. They were
filled with multiple cars in their driveways, you could hear the laughter of people
coming in an out with presents and bringing home made holiday dishes to celebrate,
I remember how sad I was, just once, I wanted to be that girl next door. I
wanted to know what it must be like to smile and have your cousins over and to
eat turkey or ham with the whole family , it sure looked like fun and so much
love, I can remember seeing people come and go and hug each other . It was
never so much the thought of getting gifts- presents as it was the thought of
being in presence with family and friends. How could that be so wrong? How
could decorating a tree be so horrible that God would not like that?
You see, Jehovah’s Witnesses believe decorating a tree is a
form of idol worshiping , now that I’m an adult and have the ability to be a
free thinker, I’ve never known anyone that worshiped a tree.
After Christmas was over and we would go back to school, I
despised the first few days back. I knew everyone would be talking about how
they spent their Christmas and sharing what kind of gifts they received and I
knew I would be asked as well. As a JW child, you learn to develop a pretty
tough outlook year after year and you are reminded that it’s just a form of
persecution if you are made fun of for not celebrating the holidays. One year ,
my next door neighbor was taking me to school with her daughter ,I remember the
conversation in the car , I think I was 11 or 12 . Her daughter was saying how
much fun they had at church during Christmas and on and on went her fun filled story.
I finally just wanted to be normal and I told her and her mom that they gave
out candy canes at the Kingdom Hall ( I was shocked I had just told a big fat
lie ) but it also felt good to say I got
a candy cane . The next day, the mother of this girl asked my dad, she knowing
we were JW’s and did not participate in holidays, and she told my dad what I
had said about the Kingdom Hall giving out candy canes. My dad asked me if I
said that. I can remember lying my butt off to my dad. I told him “No daddy I
didn’t say that, Julie must have misunderstood” If I had told the truth, I
would have been grounded, I would have been taken before the elders in the
congregation and even at that age I would have been marked as not a good
associate in the Kingdom Hall.
Fast forward to the now… my middle son Dakotah he has
beautiful and sweet girlfriend Erica, she and her family have so many
traditions they have during Christmas. Recently, Dakotah was asked by some in
her family does his family have any holiday traditions. My son told me he had
to explain... not really... and explain the whole JW ordeal. It made me sad to
see what this religion not only has robbed me of but what I also started
robbing my sons from at an early age.
We are now, every year trying to find what our new normal is
with the holidays and developing our own traditions and celebrating. Yesterday
, Christmas Eve, we went to the movies, came home and started prepping for our
Christmas dinner, I made several batches of cookies .Today , I spent cooking
with my husband Mark, who has been my rock , for almost 18 years he has watched
this mental battle , he has watched the shunning , he has watched my illness
and he has never left my side . Mark and I had so much fun cooking together and
then later I had my sons Devon and his wife Jessi, my son Dakotah , my son
Dylan and his fiancé Katie over and we ate, exchanged gifts and most important
of all was breaking the JW cycle for our grandson Raleigh. He is the apple of
our eye, watching him and teaching him.I want Raleigh to feel the emotion of
giving to others and so Raleigh and Pop went and delivered cookies and
chocolates to our next door neighbors. I want my grandson to enjoy his presents
, his gifts , but most importantly enjoy-- love and have memories of the presence
of family on Christmas and although Dec 25th may not be the actual
date of Christ birth, we still want to recognize and celebrate Jesus. I want my
grandson to know the love of his earthly family but also the love of his
heavenly father Jesus and the importance as to why we celebrate Christmas. I
think I am beginning to see the light at my tunnel and it sure feels good , I
have been at the most peace I have ever felt and I thank you Jesus.
As the evening has winded down, I stand at my tree, as my
sons have told me “for someone who grew up not having a tree , mom you sure did
a good job” that makes me smile. I stand and look at my tree, I have no desire
to worship and kneel down to my tree, I only see the happiness and the peace I
feel inside with this beautiful tree and it is a symbol of where I have came
from and how much further I have to go and most importantly it makes me
thankful for the birth of Christ .
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