My Stance, My Post, My Blog .My Jesus

Earlier in the week I was told that my writings make me look pathetic on FB and perhaps I might need to write a blog. First Let me explain, anything I write I do not wish for sympathy , we all have our own skeletons or just stuff we are going through so I never meant to make myself look pathetic . I write my words for my healing and am trying to make them open so perhaps if I can help just one other person who has walked in my shoes to know they are not alone then my purpose has been served. All I ask is for empathy, quite different from sympathy. However, I tried to follow the advice and start a blog, wow, very overwhelming and wow very expensive ,so if there are any individuals who are bloggers that could help me start a blog I would be so grateful, I do feel that would be very therapeutic for me . Today , I am taking a stance, a stance that will cost me the ultimate cost of all but its one that I must face and make public so that perhaps my confusion, hurt will end. I was born and raised a devout Jehovah Witness, the only child of parents . I have always been thankful and appreciative of my foundations but isn’t that what any normal parents should be teaching their children morals and values. As a child I always had doubts but you are never allowed to question anything . You are pushed into baptism at an early age and what I have found that day of my baptism cost me a price that I never knew that would affect me for eternity. I wasn’t even old enough to drive, buy a pack of cigarettes, sign papers for school but I was expected to make a decision that would cost me the only thing I ever knew…my family and so called friends. In 1998 , I underwent conviction a spiritual conviction I had never known. A dear friend I worked with at Lakeway in Labor and delivery Janice Messer was used to bring me the gospel of salvation. She kept inviting me to go to church but I was raised in a Kingdom Hall , I was taught we do not enter churches ( you cant even go to a yard sale at a church ) so as much as I was feeling that push to go to church I was scared. Finally in May 1998 , I went , Janice stood outside that church with me as I stood their crying , scared to walk in fear that I would lose Jehovahs favor , Janice stood outside with me held my hand and let me make the move, when I walked in the door I felt the most peace I had ever felt . Being in a church was never as I was taught . People did use their Bibles and what did I find out , they even knew Gods name was Jehovah. After about a week more of conviction Janice sat me down and said this “Karen lets pretend that there is no hell as you as a JW believe, if you die today then my friend you have nothing to worry about do you ? I said No .. then she said but lets just pretend that there is a hell and my friend the bible does teach there is one. If you die today without making it known that you have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ and acknowledge him as your Savior well then my friend you have everything to worry about …WOW… talk about God speaking .. I worried and worried and finally a few nights later I surrendered I gave my life to Him , Jesus . I carry the 1611 King James Scofield bible tha Dr. Bill Harris gave me to this day , Dr. Harris I am forever grateful for you and your wife. I haven’t always been the example he has expected of me but I try . One thing I am not is a hypocrite , I will not go to church and then live like a heathen through the week … so after I made that stand , I wrote a letter to the Congregation of Jehovahs Witnesses expressing I no longer wanted to be acknowledged as a witness… another decision that cost me .. see it would have been better if I had just slipped away , just stopped going to the Kingdom Hall but since I took that bold stance that meant they announced publicly at their nightly meeting that no one could have association with me . They had to shun me .If they see me on the street turn away , don’t even smile, nod, say hello .This even meant for my parents. Through the years , my relationship with my parents has been on and off , Just when I think they are accepting me for my decision then whammo , I knocked down again. So fast forward ( this is why I need to blog lol) My parents had their 50th wedding anniversary last week. 50 years , not to many people make it 50 years anymore, due to death , divorce and the silly vows they write to each other is hideous how they promise to drink together etc.. vows aren’t even sacred anymore. You have to remember I have no memories of celebrating anything with my parents as JW’s we do not celebrate birthdays,Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Halloween nothing…. So I wanted to make my parents a very special 50th anniversary party , not only for them but for me . I had never celebrated anything with my parents so I was trying to put 45 years of parties into one day . I had worked on this party for 3 months, my husband including , Mark Haase is such a trooper , I had him building and painting things, searching for old pictures ordering a special cake and Lord all the money that went into this but I wanted it special. I was so excited. The night before my party , my parents Jehovah Witness friends also had them a 50th party, one in which I was not invited because I am an “Apostate” I am not worthy to be in their home because I have walked away from being a witness. I was truly ok not being invited , see the witnesses shun you hoping that it will make you feel guilty miss your family and friends. For me the shunning hasn’t made me miss anything but two people my parents. So the next day Saturday , I was so excited today was the big day , the day that I had worked so hard to prepare for , I couldn’t wait for my parents to get here and walk them in the room . They walked in the door and I led my parents to the party room , me grinning from ear to ear . The first thing out of my mothers mouth was “Oh , Karen you should have seen the party that our witness friends had for us , it was just beautiful and oh all the cards and gifts “ My dad then says “You need to come back so you can talk to them “ my grin turned upside down and so I walked them over to their cake , this beautiful cake that Lori Smith had done for me . I said isn’t it beautiful my mom “Yeah , oh but Anna made us two cakes “ I walked away went into the kitchen and just cried, pulled myself together because I had many of my family and friends here that I needed to be a gracious hostess. I went to make a speech and I got teary eyed and rather than my parents just saying take your time or hugging me , my mom started clapping to get me to shut up .. wow .. another big smack in the face , I was so humiliated in front of my guests. My parents are so happy in the pictures at their JW party drinking wine , but I guess since I didn’t produce any alcohol my party was a drag.The only time my dad was happy was when my cousin Ellen Hale Pace made a surprise appearance. Ellen, you have never done anything to me , but I am having a hard time just liking you because Im jealous , Im jealous of the attention my father gives you , that he cant give me and its not fair to you that I feel that way , you have done nothing wrong, my parents couldn’t wait to leave the party so they could have you come back to their house. My parents were offended my my friends singing Amazing Grace.. Well mom and dad if that offended you , I would suggest that you never walk into a Kingdom Hall again, because its full of sinners in there, cheaters, adulterers, fornicators, drunkard, thieves but you found my party to be of the devil … SO it took me days to try to work through what had just happened. The memorable party I worked so hard for , oh it was memorable.. but yesterday , I got a call from my mom , she said “I guess I do owe you an apology , you are precious and I thank you “ but you see , my mother openly on FB thanked her JW friends for their party telling them she loved them , not once did she openly say Im precious and she was thankful for my party .So when we got home, Mark heard my phone ring it was my dad.. I was so excited thinking yay.. my dad is going to say he is sorry for hurting my feelings. Instead this was the conversation “ Karen, you hate Jehovah, you hate the witnesses” I said dad I don’t hate anyone , I hate a religion that is causing disention amongst family . He said No Karen you hate Jehovah God and I am going to stand what I know and Im through with you , I hope one day you come to your senses, I said dad I love you and I pray one day you come to yours. As I lay the phone down , I cried a blubbering cry I hadn’t cried since I was a child , my husband held me and just let snot all over him and then my son Cody came in with his g/f Erica and both hugged me . Not only has my dad hurt me but he has hurt my children. He told his grandson Cody he didn’t care if Devon and Dylan ever come back around again he only cared about him and they are teaching my grandson Raleigh to say Jehovah. Really Dad.. how could you be so mean , its bad enough the boys biological father walked away from them ( better off they gained Mark ) but now as a grandfather you make that statement. So once again I write this for me today . I am making a stand today . I am free to choose to speak to whom I want. I don’t have an organization of men telling me not to speak to you , I choose not to at this point for my sanity , for my husbands sanity for my children , my grandchildren. I choose today to stand for Jehovah but what a sweeter name I know him by as my Lord Jesus Christ , I choose today , to let him stand for me because I cant stand on my own today , I ask for prayers because Lord knows I cant even pray for myself . I pray that Sweet Jesus have mercy on my soul. And for those who find this lengthy and long , yes it is , I will find a different way to blog but for today .. this is what I have to do .