MY NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE MY NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE

I have spent a lot of time praying and thinking about this particular blog before posting it.My goal is to be honest yet not overlook the facts. Please do not mistake my boldness as anger or bitterness. I write my words in love. According to the Watchtower organization I am considered an APOSTATE, therefore the name of my blog. Under normal circumstances if we were considering the actual definition of an apostate this would not offend me at all. However, the Watchtower organization demonizes Apostates to the point that the majority of witnesses are literally afraid of anyone labeled an apostate.

Have you read the stories of when a child grows up being called stupid, worthless, bad etc...? And after a while after hearing those names being called to you, that individual starts believing they are those things.  Since I left the JW organization 17 years ago I have struggled with that label, hearing the whispers in our small town from current Jehovah Witnesses  “oh don’t speak to her she is disassociated she is an Apostate . An Apostate by definition is someone who has turned away from God who does not believe in God. I never turned away from God. I’m thankful for my parents teaching me about God , I turned away from a man-made organization , not God , so therefore my name is Karen NOT Apostate.

Recently in one of the JW’s Watchtower they described Apostates such as the following. Keep in mind since I am labeled an Apostate this is what they think of me:

1. False teachers
   2) Ravenous wolves
   3) Corruptive
   4) Deceptive
   5) Mentally diseased
   6) Disloyal
   7) Twisted
   8) Malicious slanderers
   9) Meddlers

And as a fellow blogger noticed that the congregation of witnesses sitting in their Kingdom halls they are encouraged to use the words to describe us labeled Apostates as follows: Witnesses are encouraged to believe APOSTATES like me are the words - I added my own characteristics of my self in parenthesis ... and one again my NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE

1) Bitter- ( Im only bitter that I my parents cant have a relationship with me )
2) Cunning ( def not)
3) Dangerous( really , how dangerous can I be , Ive never had a traffic ticket)
4) Dark ( Im afraid of the dark )
5) Disgusting ( now a few meals I have made has been disgusting )
6) Distorted ( only by what has been inculcated in me )
7) Filthy ( oh def not me , I  vaccum 10 times a day )
8) Godless ( so not me , I love my God)
9) Haters of Jehovah ( mom and dad you taught me never to hate anyone )
10) Immoral ( I have made a few sins a long the way immorally, you got me there)
11) Miserable ( only when my mind keeps getting sick with wanting unconditional love )
12) Nasty ( Never)
13) Oppressors ( of what?)
14) Satanic ( I Think not )
15) Sick ( Yes , mentally sick )
16) Slanderers ( nope)
17) Unkind ( def not me my heart is as big as the universe)
18) Unloving ( def not me )
19) Venomous ( really, Ive never bit or killed anyone )
20) Wolves in sheep’s clothing ( nope , I like sheep rather than wolves

 

I can attest to this since my last conversation with my dad one week ago when he told me “I hated Jehovah, I hated Jehovah’s Witnesses and that it is I who is causing the problem” once again placing the blame and guilt on me since I choose not to come back to the Kingdom Hall.

 

As a former Jehovah’s Witness, I have shunned and been shunned. Shunning means those whom we used to call brothers and sisters we would now pass in Wal-Mart or Hobby Lobby or just out on the street without acknowledging then. When I practiced shunning as a Jehovah Witness growing up while in the company of another Witness the act of shunning would, in my own eyes, was a witnessed proof of my loyalty to Jehovah. I was on spiritual high. While alone I was less bold when a shunning opportunity would arise, but if I thought that there may be even a chance that another JW might be watching I would “play the part” all the way. If it was a private situation, however, I might feel somewhat uncomfortable and maybe even make eye contact and nod such in the case of my friend Kim and me when we were 14 as long as no one saw us, I would talk with her or sneak her letters but I had to be careful.

Although I have been disassociated for 17 years, this religion in which I was born in , didn’t ask to be born in to , has kept me in bondage  even with my parents because what child does not pine and long to have their parents love them without conditions . We are obligated to protect ourselves, even from parents. There is a limit on the extent to which we honor or obey them and I struggle with this now, how and what does it mean for me as their child whom they shun, how do I continue to honor them with a Christ like attitude without being hurt .To honor means to provide food, clothing, and shelter to them if asked, to avoid reprimands, be civil in conversation, and accommodate parents in requests made. To honor parents does not mean to make myself a target for their abuse of any kind. Emotional abuse hurts just as bad as physical abuse even though the scars are not on the outside.

Shunning is one of the Jehovah’s Witnesses ways of being just a plain ole bully. When JWs shun me, and I allow it, thereby showing respect for their rules, I only reinforce their bad behavior and give them permission to do it again next time. In effect, I am telling him (and myself) that I am deserving of that kind of treatment.  So what I’m learning is that I have the freedom to speak to whom I want , I’m not being punished, they are , I don’t have a group of men telling me I can’t speak to any Jehovah Witness, I believe in a God who continues to tell me to admonish you as a brother.

The JWs who practice shunning me kept inserting themselves in my life then taking shots at me as long as I let them. I have never been directly hurt by the group leaders, but always by my own acquaintances and relatives, and always because I made myself available to them. Allowing myself to be abused was a powerless situation and I needed some power. Setting my own boundaries to Jehovah's Witnesses   has been incredibly empowering but freedom for me. This past week, one day at a time, I have walked with Jesus, allowing him to carry my burden and I have not taken it back, guess what Jesus, you asked for it and you can keep it... lol... have I told you lately Jesus how much I love you

If my happiness is contingent on jumping through hops to have my parents respect me and love me unconditionally then I have put a pretty cheap price on my happiness. If I have to wait to have a good life until other people change then I'm no better off than the members of the Watchtower and I could just as well be back under the "official" control and influence of the group. Which bring me to my final point. Over the years I have often thought “Ok Karen just go back long enough to get reinstated into the congregation so you can speak freely to your parents or former JW friends”  What people don’t realize the game that you have to go through. I would have to attend months of Kingdom Hall Meetings, walking into the Kingdom Hall with no one allowed to speak to me , NO ONE, I would have to attend all meetings and even with inside the Kingdom Hall I would have to be shunned until the group of elders deemed I was worthy of repentance. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that man knew my heart I thought it was only God who know my heart and how are you  to determine if I’m repentant and worthy enough to be spoken too. It is humiliation at its best to be ignored while you see others in the congregation laughing talking and you sit there like a bump on a log. And if I did choose to go through the tumultuous months of humiliation even after they make a public announcement from the podium that Karen Haase has been reinstated , that is just the beginning of all the hoops you have to entail. But one Thing I do know is this MY NAME IS KAREN NOT APOSTATE.